Rewind and play it all over again
by nonpiu
Summary: Chloe manages to piss Susan off and turn her life upside down once more. Some single moms bonding ensues. It's a Susan/Luka/Elizabeth/Romano love quadrangle!
1. Default Chapter

Summary: Chloe manages to piss Susan off and turn her life upside down once more. We have an old saying here in Italy that goes about "Not everything that is wrong is bad for you after all", though. Some single moms bonding ensues. Beware, angst is coming!  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Spoiler: This is completely spoiler-free! Last relevant episode is 'Brothers and sisters', from season 8.  
  
A/N: Just few things you might wanna know:  
  
  
  
I don't live in the US and haven't seen season 9 yet.  
  
  
  
English isn't my first language. Go easy on me but feel free to point out any mistake! I'm also looking for a beta-reader so if you wanna step in just let me know!  
  
  
  
I'm no doctor and I have no medical knowledge whatsoever. I tried to put a little medicine in this, though, so forgive my many mistakes.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Rewind and play it all over again.  
  
  
  
By Elisa  
  
  
  
Drin. Drin. Drin. Driiiin.  
  
Oh God, who the hell might be ringing my doorbell at. I roll over and try to reach the alarm clock, managing to knock off a bottle of water that was on my nightstand and now splashes all over my bedroom floor in the process. The glowing, flashing numbers on the clock tell me it three-oh-fucking- twelve in the morning and someone is ringing my doorbell like a madman with his hand glued on it. I've worked the graveyard for, what, four nights in a row, I'm a zombie and now this. I eventually muster up the strength to drag myself out of my comfy, warm bed, sitting on the bed, shivering in cold, throwing my tempting blankets away only to put both my bare feet in the pool of chilly water I've just poured all over the floor. Great, just fucking great.  
  
Drin. Drin. Drin. Driiiin.  
  
Jesus Christ what's so urgent? Calm down, whoever you are. "I'm coming, I'm coming!"  
  
I run to the door, shivering, following the trail of clothes I had left all over the apartment last night, while I was stripping off all the way to my bed, of which I had inviting images dancing in front of my eyes, too tired to pick them up. Naturally I manage to leave wet footstep everywhere. I am so gonna kill whoever I'll find on my doorstep.  
  
"Susie?!?"  
  
"Hi, auntie Susan!"  
  
My niece, the always adorable Susie, is standing on my doorstep, her hands behind her back, shifting her weight from toe to toe, evidently nervous and somewhat apologetic.  
  
"Hey, come on in Susie!" I say, putting my arm around her small back and gently pushing her inside.  
  
"Oh my God, it's freezing out there!" I exclaim, noticing she's wearing just a pink t-shirt with bunnies on it I got her for her last birthday. She is holding a backpack too.  
  
"Susie, I'm so happy to see you but what are you doing here, in the middle of the night?"  
  
"Chloe brought me, auntie."  
  
"And where is she?"  
  
"She left, auntie, said she had to be somewhere else and I was gonna stay with you for a while."  
  
"What? What about Joe, Susie?"  
  
"He and Chloe had this incredibly huge fight after you were with us in New York and mom left him. I think he has another girlfriend, her name is Candy I think. Mommy has been acting so strange since then. We've been living in a motel for a few weeks in New York. That nice cop lady came check us out a couple of times too. Then Chloe said we were going pay you a visit, aunt Susan. I'm so happy to be here."  
  
"I'm so happy you're here too. Here, put this on." I tell her, handing her an old sweater of mine, which is too short for me now but should fit Susie well enough. I shake my head, trying to take in what my niece is telling me and make some sense out of it. I'm glad Officer Yokas checked her out, 'cause I think Chloe is messing up again.  
  
"Go put your things in my spare bedroom and put your PJs on, Susie, there's something I gotta do first. I'll be just a moment." I tell her patting her on the shoulder encouragingly.  
  
I grab the receiver and look for Chloe's cell phone number on my phonebook. I dial it in frenzy. Tu-tu, tu-tu, tu-tu, tu-tu. Come on, Chloe, pick up this damn phone.  
  
  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Chloe, it's me, Susan! Don't hang up, Chloe, don't!"  
  
"Hey, Suz, I can't talk right now, I gotta go."  
  
"No, no, no, don't hang up, Chloe, don't!"  
  
"Suz, I really gotta go."  
  
"Oh come on, Chloe! Why on earth did you drop your daughter on my doorstep at three A.M., huh?"  
  
"Look, big Suz, I can't keep her right now."  
  
"Bullshit, Chloe, you can't leave her!"  
  
"I really can't keep her. I'll come back pick her up soon, though."  
  
"How soon? When?"  
  
"I don't know, Suz."  
  
"You can't do this to Susie! You can't do this to me again, for Christ's sake!"  
  
"Don't be mad at me, Suz, please."  
  
"The hell I'm not! If you don't come back right now and pick her up I won't give her back to you again, Chloe, I swear it!"  
  
"It's just for a short time, I promise Suz, I need some time to pull myself back together."  
  
"I thought you did last time, Chloe!"  
  
"I didn't, but I will this time, I swear it!"  
  
"Yeah, right! How could I be so foolish to actually believe it, Chloe! Damn, I'm so naïve! I wanted to believe you could hold it together so much, I wanted it for the baby's sake! And you had Joe to help you out but you managed to screw that as well, am I right?"  
  
"That son of a bitch cheated on me, did you know it?"  
  
"Because he was sick to drag you in and out of rehab, that's why, Chloe!"  
  
"Be careful, Suz, because your sounding more and more a lot like Cookie as you get older!"  
  
"Yeah, that's the big difference between you and me, Chloe: I grew up, you didn't!"  
  
"I'm glad if it is so. Give a big hug to Susie for me, will ya?"  
  
"Chloe? Chloe, wait! Chloe? Damn it!"  
  
My psycho sister has hung up on me. Wonderful. I just got landed with my niece again. Not that I don't like it, on the contrary I'm so happy to have her back again. I'm so sure Chloe is shooting up again, damn it. I should have expected it, though, I saw all the signs when they moved to S. Luis and then Joe told me. Fuck, fuck, fuck!  
  
"Auntie Susie, are you ok?" Susie asks me, standing on the doorway of my bedroom.  
  
She's wearing a pair of blue PJs I gave her as a Christmas present and holding a worn-out, old teddy bear she has had since she was a couple of months old, Mr. B, like she did when she was little and scared. She could never sleep without it, never. I remember as if it was yesterday when Chloe came to pick her up to bring her back to Phoenix and I couldn't find her Mr. B. anywhere and little Susie was crying and crying and crying. And I was crying too. I wish I had a Mr. B. to hold on to as well. I was alone, utterly and completely alone, though, so alone I had never felt before. Luckily I am not alone anymore.  
  
"No, sweetheart, I'm ok. Are you hungry, do you want something to eat, or maybe something to drink or shall we just go back to bed?"  
  
"I'm fine, auntie Susan. Can I sleep with you tonight, though?"  
  
"Sure, come with me!" I say and we crawl under the warm, comfy blankets together, giggling like schoolgirls, except Susie is a little girl, while I am not.  
  
As I am about to drift back to sleep I can hear her tossing and turning without peace. I turn to her, resting my hand on my bent arm over the pillow. "Are you ok, Susie?"  
  
"Would you hold me, auntie Susie, please?"  
  
"Sure, come closer."  
  
I feel like I don't belong anywhere else when I feel her heart beating against my chest and her peach and cream flavored hairbrush up against my chin. When she speaks her voice echoes through the inside of my body, feeling weird and warm and fuzzy at the same time, which is the strangest feeling I've ever experienced in my whole life.  
  
"Can you sing for me, auntie Susie, that song you sang when I was a little, that one it's in the music box you gave me a long time ago as Christmas present?"  
  
"Blackbird, is that what you mean? Are you sure you really want me to sing, Susie, you know I'm so tuneless, right?"  
  
"I love the way you sing, aunt Susan."  
  
"Ok, I'll sing. Blackbirds singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly, all your life you were waiting for this moment to arrive, all your life you were waiting for this moment to arrive-"  
  
"Ok, ok, that's enough, maybe you were right after all, auntie Susan. I didn't remember you so tuneless!"  
  
  
  
"Oh, shut up, will you!" I cry, hitting her on the head with my pillow.  
  
We're soon engaged in a fatal pillow fight. We fall back on the bed, laughing our heads off. She finally seems to calm down as she rest against my breast. I stroke her cheek and my finger gets wet. She is crying, softly and gut-wrenching sobbing.  
  
"Hey, sweetheart, what's wrong?" I say, turning her so that she faces me.  
  
She looks at me with her big, blue eyes. " Chloe is never coming back, aunt Susan, isn't she?"  
  
This is so weird, Susie always calls her mom Chloe, just like Chloe called mom Cookie, while I called her mom. I think about lying to her for a minute, then remember something Mark told me once, something he picked from a patient, about kids knowing the truth, always, even if you lie. So I tell her the only answer I have.  
  
"I don't know, Susie, I don't know."  
  
She keeps looking at me and I know that, deep inside her heart, she knows the truth as well.  
  
  
  
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"Susan, you're late."  
  
A much dreaded, high-pitched voice reach my ears and I cringe and sigh.  
  
"And a good nice morning to you too, Kerry."  
  
Kerry is the first person I bump into as I enter the ER and she's already starting to chew me out and piss me off at the same time. Great. So much for my start of the day. I try to avoid her scolding, disappointed, judgmental, holier-than-thou stare as I speak, trying to sound really apologetic and sorry, although I know I'm not good at it.  
  
"I know Kerry, and I told Dr. Kovac I was gonna be late. I told him I'd be here by 8:30."  
  
"It's ten to nine, Susan." Kerry politely yet unperturbedly informs me.  
  
I count to ten, and then I count to twenty, before opening my mouth. " And I'm sorry, Kerry. It means I'll stay twenty minutes longer after my shifts ends."  
  
"Hey Susan," Luka breezes by, smiling at me.  
  
I smile back, happy to see a friendly face.  
  
"Look, Kerry, I forgot to tell you Susan had called to let us know she was half an hour late, sorry." Luka apologizes, digging into the charts rack.  
  
"Don't worry, Luka, Susan and I were just clearing things up in this very moment. And it's not like I'm keeping tabs on anyone."  
  
Yeah, right, the hell she is not. I turn my back on Kerry, wanting to get into the lounge and hide out there for my entire shift, barely resisting the urge to throttle her. The sad thing is, with both Mark and Doug gone, I'm the only one left to dislike Kerry. Ok, hate her is more like it. Luka and Carter actually like her and the rest of the staff seems to get along just fine. I take a step towards the lounge but Kerry holds me.  
  
"Susan, for this time, I'll let it go, but don't make it happen again. What was so important to be almost an hour late?"  
  
"It's really none of your business, but, if you really wanna know, Kerry, I had to take Susie to school and enroll her there."  
  
"I didn't know you had your niece back with you, Susan, you should have told me, I could have helped you work out a better schedule." Kerry says, the first, slightest hint of kindness and maybe sympathy in her voice.  
  
"I haven't until this morning. By the way, speaking of schedule, do you think I could go back to part-time, or cut back on my shifts, huh?"  
  
"I'll se what I can do, ok?"  
  
She crutches away and I enter the lounge. I open my locker and see all the pics of Susie I have taped on it. I smile, now I have Susie, in person, all to myself. I get changed and check the board.  
  
"Hurgh, bleeding hemorrhoids! Great way to start!" I can't help complaining.  
  
"It's the simple, boring routine cases that often turn out to be the most interesting ones." Kerry pointedly reminds me.  
  
God, what did I do to deserve this, huh? Can anybody tell me?  
  
"Wanna take it, then?" I retort.  
  
"No, thanks Susan, go ahead."  
  
Wish Doug was here, doing an imitation of Kerry, or better yet, I wish that Mark were here to laugh at it together and give me priceless parenting tips about Susie. I miss him so much. He was a great friend. I must have loved him at some point too. Maybe I still did when I left Phoenix because Chloe and Susie were moving to Phoenix. But he was married with kids, and a fatal cancer ready go off like a fucking bomb in his head. And now he's dead and now I'm alone.  
  
  
  
I shake my head, knowing that if I don't shrug these sad thoughts off I'll burst into tears in the middle of the ER. I check the chart and head to my sorry destination.  
  
A lot of simple boring routine patients that didn't turn out to be so interesting after I step into an elevator and hit the top floor button to take my lunch break. The elevator stops a few times on his way up and, on the surgical floor, Elizabeth Corday steps inside. She his twisting a lock of her beautiful curly, red hair, which I envy her so much, in a quite nervous way and look extremely tired.  
  
"Good morning Susan" she greets me with a smile that doesn't quite reach to her eyes.  
  
"Hey, Elizabeth, you pulling a double? Forgive my saying this, but you look like crap, I'm sorry."  
  
"Don't be, I do look like a bloody lorry ran over me, went into rear and ran over me a second time."  
  
I can't help laughing, she has this funny British sense of humor, although I have never could stand the way she pronounced her husband's name, will I have ever get used to thinking of Mark as her husband?, 'Mahk'. Without the r. It was so weird, he was her husband, for Christ's sake, and she couldn't even get his name right!  
  
"I bet Romano he's driving you crazy as usual."  
  
"Although he has a special gift for that, Robert isn't the source of my problems for once. It's just that I was up all night because Ella has a fever and didn't sleep but forty-five minutes or so."  
  
"Oh, yeah, I can relate. I didn't sleep that well tonight as well. My sister Chloe had this wonderful idea of showing up on my doorstep at three o' clock in the morning and dropping his daughter off disappearing into thin air right after that. What a night!"  
  
"Mark mentioned you had a niece. What is her name, Sally or Sandy?"  
  
"Susie, Chloe named her after me. So, how's little Ella now?"  
  
"Not bad, she still has a fever, though, and daycare won't take her."  
  
"No fevers, no infections, I still remember that."  
  
"Yeah, and I'm covering for Edson tonight, I owe that weasel, he took lots of my shifts when I was in Hawaii when." she trailed off and looked lost for a second "Anyway, the babysitter won't stay after eight and I'm stuck here so she's gonna drop her off here at the hospital. What am I gonna do? Let her in the lounge with Malik to look after her?"  
  
  
  
"Malik's great, he had four sisters, you know. I've got a better idea, though. I am off at eight, eight thirty at maximum, if Kerry wants to make me make up for my tardiness from earlier today. I can take her home with Susie and me when the babysitter brings her to the hospital. If you're ok with it, that is."  
  
"Really?" she asks me, surprise and relief evident in her face "I mean, would you do this for me?"  
  
"Sure, no problem. I'm good at babysitting, I used to do that a lot when Susie was little." I smile "And I'd do it for free."  
  
"Thank you Susan, thank you so much." Elizabeth tells me as we get off the elevator and get out on the roof.  
  
It's a wonderful day, and the sun is warm. We sit on two deckchair someone brought up here, probably some folks from Recovery, they have way too much time in their hands up there, and sit down on them, sunbathing.  
  
"I'm off at ten, so I can be at your place at ten thirty at the most. You live in that old apartment Mark used to live in, the one whose lease he took over when you moved away, right? That one with mice scurrying up inside the walls?"  
  
"Yeah" I laugh "I can hear them at night when there's silence in the house and the neighbors aren't screaming their heads off."  
  
"That Latino couple who fights all day long still lives there?"  
  
"Oh, yeah, they do, and so does that little old lady who's deaf and watches TV at a terribly high volume."  
  
"Mrs. O' Rourke, right? She used to give me such devils looks when I sneaked out of Mark's apartment at six A. M. to get to work. She was so outraged me and Mark lived together even if we were not married!"  
  
"She still has that bit of paper taped on the door, that one that say ' Salesmen and Witnesses of Jehovah don't ring the bell. Those who live in sin die in sin, those who don't, don't '."  
  
"So, how long is your niece, Susie, going to stay with you, Susan?"  
  
"I don't know, as long as Chloe doesn't show up and claim her back. I won't let her do it, not this time, though. I'll wait for three months, claim abandonment, go to the judge, have him terminate her parental rights and adopt little Susie. I will."  
  
"I can give you the name of this extraordinary lawyer, then, he specializes in custody lawsuits; Mark had hired him when his ex-wife had sued him for full custody of Rachel, but then he and Jen had worked things out on their own. I heard he's great, though, he won Peter's lawsuit against Reese's mother, Carla, and against her husband, Roger."  
  
"Thanks, I'm sure no judge in his right mind will fight my adoption after what Chloe has done, again, though."  
  
Our pagers simultaneously go off.  
  
I check mine. "It's the ER."  
  
"They want me too."  
  
"There's probably a mass casualty coming in."  
  
"Let's go downstairs."  
  
  
  
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I sigh and look at my watch. Thank God, it's ten to eight and my shift is almost over. Then I see Kerry crutching her way to me. Here she comes, my worst nightmare, ready to piss me off or torment me once more. "Susan!" she calls out.  
  
"Yes, Kerry?" I say, pasting a fake smile on my face.  
  
"Don't look at me that way, Susan, I just wanna tell you I talked to Romano and he agreed to put you on a part-time working hours. Just six hours shifts, eight to two and eight to midnight. You'll have to take more administrative duties, though, I'm really swamped. I'm so behind with my paperwork and I need you to fill for me at a couple of hospital meetings. Romano's precise words were 'Maybe she just had an epiphany and understood that she couldn't spend so much time in that circus that is the ER.' Cute, don't you think?"  
  
"Very Romano-like. That's wonderful, thanks, Kerry. It's more than fine with me to help you carry your administrative duties as long as I can take the paperwork home."  
  
"Sure, no problem."  
  
In this very moment a black girl shows up and approaches Randi, asking for Dr. Corday. I walk up to her.  
  
"Hi, I'm Dr. Lewis and I'm a colleague of Dr. Corday's. She asked me to look after Ella." I say and I pick that beautiful little girl up. She's so pretty and actually reminds me of Mark. Same eyes, nose and mouth, even the same chin and shape of the face. She took after him so much more than Rachel. She has her mom's fiery red hair, though. And the same strong character, judging from the look of things. She's crying at the top of her lungs.  
  
"Hey, hey, it's ok, it's ok. Shush, come on, stop crying. Good girl, right, you're such a good girl. My name's Susan and I am a friend of your mommy."  
  
Elizabeth comes up, her face all lit up. She takes Ella from me and brushes her nose against her daughter's. "Hey, pumpkin, how are you doing, huh? Thanks Cheryl, see you tomorrow." Elizabeth says to the babysitter, who walks away.  
  
"You already met, Susan, pumpkin? She'll take care for you tonight, so be a good girl and don't make mummy feel ashamed, ok?"  
  
Ella looks at her carefully, as if she actually understands every word, which she probably is. She looks like a very bright little girl.  
  
She gives her back to me. "Thanks Susan, see you later."  
  
"Don't worry, we'll be fine. Hey, Ella you ready to come home with me? We just have to wait for Susie. She's my niece, you're gonna like her, I'm sure."  
  
I spot my dad, holding Susie's hand, coming into the ER. I wave to them and gently twist Ella's tiny hand in a hello-like gesture.  
  
"Hi dad, thanks for picking Susie up from school. I'll start working part- time form next Tuesday, so I'll be able to do it myself."  
  
"Don't worry, Susan, I was happy to do it." He says and kisses me on the check. "We had a great time Susie, didn't we?"  
  
"Yup, grandpa. Too bad grandma wasn't there."  
  
I look at Dad questioningly and he says "Cookie was visiting a friend."  
  
Mom has this annoying habit of never being there when you need her. You just get use to it after a little while. We have this huge commitment and parenting problem in my family, it runs in the blood. Think about Chloe.  
  
"Thanks again." I say as I bend down and kiss my niece. Her peach and cream scent makes me feel good inside. "So how was your first day of school, Susie? Everything went ok?"  
  
"Ah, ah, the teachers seem great, my classmates are ok, I guess. They say I have a funny accent, though. Do you think I have a funny accent, auntie Susan?"  
  
"Not at all. Susie, meet Ella, Ella meet Susie."  
  
"She's so cute auntie Susan! Who is she? Can I hold her, please?"  
  
"She's Mark's daughter. Remember him?"  
  
"Yeah, can I hold her?"  
  
"Both hands, Susie, and hold her really tight."  
  
"Hi cute pie, hi! I'm Susie, you wanna play with me?"  
  
"Watch her, Susie, and don't make her fall, pay attention, she's not a toy. I'll go take my stuff in the lounge and then we can go home. Ella's coming with us."  
  
"Wow!"  
  
I take my stuff and put on my coat and walk out of the ER, holding Ella in my arm and Susie's hand in my free hand. Great, it's pouring down, big drops of rain already soaking my coat. Where did that wonderful sun from earlier go?  
  
"Susie, get back inside!"  
  
"Dr. Lewis, need me to lend you this?" Randi asks smiling, holding out a big umbrella that will easily cover the three of us. I thank her and get out again.  
  
"Stay close to me, Susie." I say as I open the umbrella and we quickly walk to my car. I put Ella in the back seat with Susie and order her to hold Ella tight since I don't have a child's chair in my car.  
  
The ride home is quick. We go up to my apartment and sit down in the kitchen. I make some cocoa for Susie while I check Ella's temperature and give her some baby Tylenol. Susie then reads some storybook to Ella as the three of us sit on this wonderful, comfy sofa I dragged here all the way from Phoenix. It was worth it, though. The doorbell rings and I run to get it.  
  
It couldn't be more than a few degrees, well Celsius anyway, Elizabeth doesn't have a clue what it is in Fahrenheit. Why does Americans have to use such a strange scale? Why not start at zero like everybody else does? Well it doesn't really matters, Celsius or Fahrenheit, it is bloody cold and the rain isn't helping either. This is what I think Elizabeth is thinking, standing in my doorway, massaging her hands trying to warming them up, smiling friendly with her nose red from cold.  
  
"Come on in, Elizabeth, I don't want to bring you to the ER for frostbites!"  
  
"Yeah, Susan, it's so cold I think it should be snowing, not raining cats and dogs!" Elizabeth exclaims as she strip off her soaked coat and drops of rain fall all over my entrance floor.  
  
"I'm so sorry about this, Susan, if you give me a rag I'll dry it up!"  
  
"Hey, don't worry."  
  
"Oh, hey pumpkin, have you been a good girl for Susan, huh?" Elizabeth says, picking up Ella and making her fly over her head. Ella giggles with pleasure.  
  
"She was an angel, and Susie had so much fun playing big sister to her. Elizabeth, would you like some hot cocoa? I've just made some for Susie and there's some left."  
  
"Thanks, I'd love it, Susan. After that, Ella and me are gonna leave you two alone. You've done enough already today."  
  
"Don't mention it, Elizabeth, I know how crazy a single mom life can get. You kept me really busy, Susie, even if you don't remember it!"  
  
"It wasn't my fault, auntie Susan! It was Chloe's!"  
  
"I know, there's no need to get all worked up, Susie." I say as I plant a kiss on the top of her head and give Elizabeth her mug of cocoa "Watch it, its' really hot!"  
  
  
  
We all stay silent for a few moments and I walk up to the window, shift the curtain and look down on the street beneath, which looks more like a river than a road. I don't feel comfortable about letting Elizabeth ride home in such terrible weather, roads look actually dangerous.  
  
  
  
"Elizabeth, it looks like hell and high water out there and I don't think you should drive home in such weather. Why don't you just sleep here for tonight? Susie could sleep with me and you could take my spare bedroom."  
  
"Actually I wasn't very happy to go out in this terrible rain myself. Thanks, Susan, you're being a great friend to me. Mark always told me you were, I can understand now why he had such outstanding telephone bills."  
  
"It's nothing, Elizabeth, really, I'll go change the sheets in Susie's bed."  
  
  
  
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"No, Chloe, no!"  
  
I wake up with a start and realize with relief that I haven't really screamed, I was just dreaming. The worst nightmare I've had in a long time, to tell the truth. I wipe drops of cold sweat from my forehead and I immediately calm down as I watch little Susie sleep peacefully. My heart is still beating like a drum against my chest, though, so I silently get up and walk into the kitchen to drink a glass of milk, hoping this would calm my shaky nerves.  
  
Elizabeth is already there, rocking Ella in an attempt to make her sleep.  
  
"I'm so sorry, we didn't mean to wake you up, Susan, but Ella's fever is back and she was screaming and-"  
  
"Don't worry, you didn't Elizabeth. I just had a bad dream, that's all. Want some milk?" I ask her, opening the fridge.  
  
"No, thanks. What was the dream about?"  
  
"My sister, Chloe, came back and took Susie away from me again. It felt so real."  
  
"You love Susie so much.Are you planning to adopt her for sure?"  
  
"You bet I will. I can't wait the three required months to be over. Chloe abandoned her again and that's the best thing that ever happened to her. Don't get me wrong, I love my sister but she's barely capable to take care of herself, let alone of a kid. She's so screwed up."  
  
"Yeah, Mark told me so."  
  
We both stay silent, the heavy silence filling the room full of sad memories of Mark. Elizabeth look down on her hands and I know that, even if I can't see her eyes, she's desperately fighting tears back. I walk up to her and put my hand on her shoulder comfortingly, or so I hope.  
  
" I miss him so much, Susan." she finally lets out, her voice shaky with tears.  
  
"I miss him so much as well, still he would have want us to go on, you're a strong woman, Elizabeth."  
  
"I don't know if I can make it alone, Susan."  
  
"Hey," I say, raising up her chin, so that she looks into my eyes "You're not alone, girl, I'm here if you need me, you know."  
  
"Thanks." Elizabeth simply replies and Ella starts to cry, breaking up this precious yet somewhat awkward moment. Elizabeth rocks her, to no avail.  
  
"Why don't we try a bit of music, huh? It always worked wonders with Susie." I say and I put on a CD in my CD player. The notes of Blackbird softly fill the air and Ella stops crying.  
  
"Hey it does work!"  
  
"I'll put it on tape for you, ok?"  
  
We fall silent again and smile happily. The loud ringing of my phone startles us. I pick it up quickly, not wanting it to wake up Susie and the baby, who has just fallen asleep.  
  
"Hello? Susan Lewis speaking."  
  
"This is Officer Faith Yokas, from NYC, you remember me Dr. Lewis? Sorry to bother you so late but I just got off shift"  
  
"Yeah, of course I remember you, Faith." I say as I check my watch: it's a little after midnight.  
  
"I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you, Dr. Lewis. I'm so sorry to be the one to break this down to you, Dr. Lewis, but as we were finishing our shift, me and my partner, Officer Boscorelli, found a corpse in a alley downtown Manhattan. We recognized it as your sister Chloe but we need you to come here to New York for a formal identification. I'm sorry, Dr. Lewis."  
  
"Oh my God!" I say, stifling a cry, bringing a hand to my mouth. I can feel tears forming into my eyes and I sense Elizabeth's concerned stare on me. I finally shake myself and manage to ask "How did it happen?"  
  
"She apparently ODed, we found a syringe next to her body, we need the medical examiner's confirmation, though. They'll wait for the autopsy until you're here, Dr. Lewis."  
  
"I see, I'll catch the first flight in the morning." I say flatly. I feel like this isn't happening for real, like I'm watching this all from the outside.  
  
"Let me know when you get here, I'll come pick you up at La Guardia."  
  
"Thanks Officer Yokas, see you tomorrow." I hang up, unable to neither speak nor move. I just stare blankly at the phone, whishing this is all another bad dream I can't wake up from.  
  
Elizabeth approaches me and shakes me gently. "What's wrong, Susan?"  
  
"It was a cop from new York, calling to tell me they found Chloe, dead. She apparently ODed."  
  
"Oh my God!" Elizabeth exclaims and hugs me. I burst into tears and sob into her arms.  
  
"I gotta go there to identify her body, tomorrow." I manage to say between sobs.  
  
"I'll come with you." Elizabeth says resolutely.  
  
"How about Ella?"  
  
"I can leave her with a neighbor. You can't do this alone, Susan and I'll go with you. End of discussion."  
  
"I'll drop Susie off at my parents', first thing in the morning. Oh my God, how am I gonna tell her?"  
  
Elizabeth has no answer but hugs me more tightly. It feels good to have someone to lean on. "I went there when Mark died. I've thought about it so much but I still haven't figured out what to tell Ella when she is old enough to understand."  
  
"Thanks Elizabeth."  
  
She doesn't reply but keeps on hugging me and I rest my head on her shoulder. Something good will come out of this pain, though. Susie will stay with me now. At what cost, I wonder. I'll miss Chloe, so much. She was the funniest, cleverest big sister ever. Why did you end up like this, Chloe? What went wrong, huh? She will never answer my questions, though. And I'm so sad and guilty, because I was mad at her last time I spoke to her. Why did you do this to me, Chloe? Blackbird still plays in the background as I cry all my tears, more than I could ever think I had.  
  
  
  
Fine  
  
  
  
A/N: So, what did you think of this? Please let me know! It's sad, I know, but I was in the mood for some good ol' angst, that's all. Susan is slowly growing on me, she's become my favorite character. Expect more Susan stories. 


	2. Stuck on you two

-Chapter Two- Stuck with you  
"Hold the elevator!"  
  
Luka keeps the doors open with his arm I slide through them, thanking him breathlessly.  
  
"Thanks, Luka, I gotta go back up to surgery, otherwise Romano will kill me!"  
  
"No problem, Elizabeth."  
  
I press the button of her floor. "Where are you going, Luka?"  
  
"PICU, to check on a patient of mine. A little kid that was in a MVA and lost his father."  
  
"Poor thing." I say, thinking that Ella would have to face the same sad destiny, wondering if a single parent is enough. Then I spent herself most of my time alone in a boarding school and I grew up just fine, didn't I?  
  
"Oh, come on, why is it taking ages for this bloody lift to go up? Romano is going to be so-"  
  
Right on cue the elevator shakes to an alt.  
  
"Oh great, bloody great!"  
  
Luka pushes all the buttons but the elevator doesn't move. "I guess we're stuck here, Elizabeth. Romano will have to understand and do without you."  
  
"He was about to start a TIPS procedure, that weasel of Edson will be enthusiastic to fill in for me. Forgive my saying this, but he is nothing but a procedure whore." I say as I push the emergency button with impatience and speak into the intercom "Hello! Anybody there?"  
  
"There's only me, Pedro."  
  
"Would you please get this bloody elevator back going, Pedro?"  
  
"I'm only a janitor, señorita."  
  
"Then call maintenance, do something! Good grief!"  
  
"There's no need to get mad at me, señorita."  
  
"I am the one stuck in this ruddy elevator! I think I have every right to be cross, here! Pedro? Pedro you still there?"  
  
The Latino man walked away, or so it seems.  
  
" Oh, bollocks to him!" I exclaim, leaning back against the wall of the elevator, sliding down against it until I am sitting on the floor, my back to it.  
  
Luka speaks into the intercom "Pedro? My name is Luka and I'm stuck here as well. I know this is not your fault but could you please call maintenance. You'll do me a big favor, because this is pretty frustrating, that's why my friend here snapped at you, she really didn't mean to."  
  
"Of course I didn't!" I snort "He's a touchy lad, though. Tell him to bugger off!"  
  
Luka shushes me with gestures.  
  
"I already that, señor."  
  
"Do it again, then, please. You're being very helpful, you know Pedro."  
  
"I'll do it again. No problema, señor."  
  
"See?" Luka turns to me "A few nice words will do wonders."  
  
"I'm afraid patience isn't my strongest suit, Luka."  
  
"What? You're a surgeon, Elizabeth!"  
  
"We surgeons are impatient! It's a required prerogative, they always ask you that when you apply for your residency. We can't wait to cut people open, you know."  
  
"Your operations often last hours, though!"  
  
"It's not like we sit and watch. We're up to our elbows in a man's bowel, usually, Luka!"  
  
"Too bad for you, I learnt patience long ago."  
  
"When?"  
  
"During the war. Siege of Vukovar, 1991, to be precise. When they bombed the city we couldn't get out of our houses for hours, days sometimes. You learn patience or you go mad. My children used to complain all the time because they got bored to death." Luka says, with a sad smile.  
  
"You miss them, huh?"  
  
"You bet, and my wife too."  
  
"I miss Mark as well, God, the pain is so dull and ever present that it makes me feel as if he was still there. It's torture, Luka. People keep telling me it will go away, but they don't know what they're talking about!"  
  
"I do, though. It will never fade but you'll learn to live with it. Somehow you come to terms with the pain and go on."  
  
"When? Because when I walk down the streets and see a man, balding, tall, with that certain way of walking I have to walk up to him and make sure it's not Mark. The other day I saw one in a lab-coat. I rushed to him and it turned out he was a lab tech from pathology. I was so ashamed I wished earth would open and swallow me up. When I go shopping, then, I never buy grapefruits, because Mark doesn't like them. And when I come back home at night I can't wait to tell Mark about my day, if it was bad, like yesterday."  
  
"Hey, you can tell me about it, Elizabeth."  
  
"I accompanied Susan to NYC. She had to identify the body of her sister, who had ODed there. It was so hard, Susan was devastated even if only the day before she was telling me how mad she was at her sister for abandoning her daughter. It wasn't the first time, I understood."  
  
"It is worse, losing a loved one, when you were fighting."  
  
"Not that it is never an easy thing. . ." I whisper, tears rolling down my cheeks. "I'm sorry," I manage to say between gut-wrenching sobs "I always cry when I think of Mark!"  
  
"Hey, it's ok, it's ok" Luka says, hugging me "Shush, come on, calm down. Breathe slowly and deeply."  
  
I try to breath more calmly, resting my head on his shoulder.  
  
"It's better now, thanks, Luka."  
  
Luka raised my chin with his index and looked in my eyes "Don't even mention it, Elizabeth."  
  
Then he kisses me . I kiss him back although I pull away abruptly.  
  
"Look, Elizabeth, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"  
  
"Don't worry, Luka, it's ok. You are a decent man and a nice guy and I think it's very flattering that you find me attractive but it's too soon for me to be involved with another man."  
  
"I completely understand, but you really are an amazingly attractive woman."  
  
We share an awkward smile and the doors of the elevator open to reveal a maintenance guy in front of us.  
  
"Sorry it took me so long."  
  
"Don't worry" Luka turns to me and winks "I had a great time."  
  
"Me too, anytime Luka."  
  
The maintenance guy looks at us, puzzled.  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------  
When Luka enters the lounge he looks at me somehow amused. Maybe that's because I am barefoot, rubbing my sore feet, my shoes tossed to the side.  
  
"My shoes are killing me. Why on earth did I decide to wear heels at work, huh?"  
  
"To let me show you how a good shiatsu massage is done." Luka says, taking a chair and grabbing one of my feet, starting massaging it skillfully. He flashes his best I'm-the-hunk-of-the-ER smile on me.  
  
Wow. I'm on cloud number nine. "Oh God, this is heaven" I moan with pleasure "Don't stop, Luka."  
  
Elizabeth breezes in, smiling broadly "You're lucky I'm not one of the nurses, because the situation sounded a lot more torrid than it is in reality."  
  
I laugh "You have a dirty mind, Elizabeth!"  
  
She laughs as well "Caffeine withdrawal tends to have that effect on me, you know." She says as she pours some coffee from the pot.  
  
"Luka does an incredible shiatsu massage, you've got to try it."  
  
"Where did you learn that, Luka?"  
  
"A Chinese law student who was doing a coast-to-coast trip through the US taught me when I gave him a lift on my boat, four years ago, or so."  
  
"You have a boat?"  
  
"Used to, before I settled down in Chicago. I would migrate south down every winter. You really don't know how many useful things you pick up traveling around on a boat."  
  
"Good for you" Elizabeth said "I have a terrible back pain, you think it would work for that too?"  
  
"It worked for Carter, he suffers from frequent back pains." I quip in.  
  
"Sure," Luka agrees with me "Whenever you want, Elizabeth, you know where to find me." The European doc says with a mischievous smile I don't fail to catch.  
  
"Next time we're stuck in an elevator, maybe." Elizabeth says provocatively as she walks away.  
  
"So, what's between you two, huh?" I ask when she's out of hearing range, sniffing some good ol' sassy gossip to tell the nurses.  
  
"Nothing" Luka replies with a mock-innocent smile, doing his best St. Luka impersonation "Why?"  
  
"Come on, I don't buy it. I saw the sparks flying when you looked at each other!"  
  
"Ok, I like her. She's beautiful, smart and funny. I kissed her but nothing happened."  
  
"What?" I almost yell "You kissed and nothing happened?" Chuny is so gonna beg me to tell her everything. She's got a knack for spreading nasty rumors about Luka, after they broke up. That girl is pure devil. Must be the Latino blood. Muy caliente.  
  
"She's not ready to get involved with a man yet. I guess she's not over Greene's death yet. Not that I could blame her for that. It's really to soon."  
  
"But you'll wait patiently for her, right?"  
  
"Actually, no. She's not my type, really. Dunno why I kissed her in the first place, even if I like her. I used to have this big crush on Carol Hathaway too, when she was here alone with the twins. I guess I have a thing for single moms."  
  
I am a single mom, too, I wanna scream. Sort of. Single aunt is more like it. I can't deny I find Luka very attractive. He's handsome, sweet and caring even if a bit dark, sad and judgmental at times. I guess it only adds up to his mysterious foreigner's charm.  
  
"So?" I ask.  
  
"Nothing, I told you. She really isn't my type. Too temperamental, as all redheads." He says finishing the massage.  
  
"Kerry's hair is natural, then." I laugh "Thanks a lot, Luka, I feel like I'm reborn. Never again" I declare as I put back on these hellish traps that are my shoes.  
  
"Don't mention it, Susan."  
  
"I'm off in a quarter of hour, thank God. Can't wait to be on the El, riding home."  
  
"I'm off at eight too. Wanna a ride?"  
  
"Thanks, I'm having my car serviced, it's still at the mechanic's."  
  
"No problem, I'll drive you."  
  
"Mmm. . . I don't know, they say it's pretty dangerous driving with you."  
  
"I'll drive carefully, I promise." Luka says, doing the St. Luka thing again.  
  
A quarter of hour later we are in pouring rain running to Luka's car. It's not the fast, flashy one he had before. It's a old Volkswagen.  
  
"Told you I would drive carefully. I switched to a safer model." Luka smiles, patting the steering wheel.  
  
"I'm glad you did."  
  
Because of the terrible weather the traffic is really bad and we proceed slowly, in a long file of cars, slowed even more, if that's possible, by a huge pileup. Paramedics are already there and it looks like there are no critically injured, luckily enough.  
  
"You eager to perform an emergency intubation with a pocket knife and a biro, huh?" Luka intercepts my stare.  
  
"No, thanks I'll leave all the heroic measures to Doug Ross. He saved a kid from drowning once. Heard you did something similar once, too."  
  
"After I had ran over a poor kid."  
  
"Hurgh! You are dangerous behind the wheel, after all!" I pretend to be scared.  
  
Luka plays along opening the door of the car "You can walk, then!"  
  
"No, thanks, I'll take my chances. I don't wanna catch pneumonia." I say, watching the big drops of rain splashing on the window.  
  
The road gets clearer and we speed a little at last. Suddenly the car jumps, as if the road was bumpy, and stops. A thick wisp of black smoke comes out of the hood.  
  
"Great!" Luka mutters as he get out. He checks the engine with a hopeless look on his face and the rain soaks him.  
  
"I don't understand, Herb, a distant relative of mine who sold me this car, told me it was like brand-new. I gotta call a wrecker." he takes out his cell phone. He can't even dial all the number that the cell phone switches off on its own.  
  
"Perfect! The battery's dead."  
  
"I forgot mine at home."  
  
"You know what this means, then?"  
  
"Come on," I say as I open the door "Get your ass outta here and start pushing."  
  
Numerous huffs and puffs later, I can't feel my arms anymore and I'm soaked to the skin but we have managed to pushed the car to my place. I look at Luka, who stares at me, and we both burst out laughing. We must be quite a show, dripping water and sweaty and panting like we had been jogging or something.  
  
"Wanna come up and call someone to pick up this crock?"  
  
As soon as I'm in my apartment I rush into my room to get changed into a sweat-jumper and a pair of comfy, baggy pants. I rummage through my stuff, looking for something big enough to fit Luka and I find a pair of boxer I stole my old boyfriend from Phoenix and an extra-large t-shirt I usually use to sleep in. I chuckle, because the boxers have small cactuses and lassos on it. Very cowboy-like but typical of my ex. Dix was a real cowboy. Unbearable really, I don't know how I managed to put up with his crap.  
  
"Here," I toss him the clothes "I'm sorry but I don't have any socks big enough."  
  
"Thanks, my feet are dry, although these shoes aren't at-" he trails off looking quizzically from the boxers to me "What are these?"  
  
I laugh "I know, I know. . .They're my ex's. He was a cowboy, what can I say? Girls can't resist that macho charm and the leather boots, big hat and the rodeos and all that stuff. . . "  
  
"Why did you leave him?"  
  
"I couldn't stand all his macho crap, his leather muddy boots that dirtied my floor, his silly hat and I was bored to death of all those endless rodeos!"  
  
As he laughs he takes off his wet shirt, giving me a good peak of his nice abs. Mmm. . . that's a wonderful sight.  
  
I try not to stare too openly "Look, you really should stay here until it stops raining."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"You up for something to eat? I know a really good Thai takeaway. It's just the two of us because my niece Susie has a sleepover at her friend's Molly's. "  
  
"I don't like Thai food much. How about pizza instead?"  
  
"Sure, what pizza do you want?"  
  
"Pepperoni."  
  
"Ok," I dial Alfredo's pizzeria number "Good evening, I'd like a half pepperoni, half supreme large pizza. Yup, Susan Lewis, same address, bye."  
  
Luka smiles.  
  
"Pizza's on its way."  
  
I walk up to the window "It doesn't look like this rain is about to stops anytime soon."  
  
"Weather forecast says it will last until tomorrow morning. Looks like I'm stuck here for a while. Funny, first Elizabeth, and now you, today."  
  
"I know you preferred Elizabeth, I'm not offended." I tease him.  
  
"Nah, I told you, she's not even my type."  
  
But I am, am I? I ask wordlessly. I'm behaving like a stupid teenager, I know.  
  
"She just needed a sympathetic ear. She's still trying to get over Greene's death."  
  
"I know, I'm trying to be there for here, too. I like her very much, she's a nice woman and a funny colleague to work with."  
  
"Yeah, she's got a wicked British sense of humor. I think she just needed someone who knew what she's going through."  
  
I remember some gossip about Luka losing his family in the war. It is true then. He must have loved his wife very much. He even waited marriage to lose his virginity for her. I remember him telling him she was a very religious woman. I can't understand how Abby could let Luka go, he's amazing. I wish someone did something like that for me! I doubt my boyfriend of the time, who was a horny boy of sixteen, could have done any sacrifices for me, let alone wait. Hell, he even ripped off all the buttons of my favorite blouse. I couldn't find them even if I looked all over the back seat of his car, afterwards. I was fifteen and the thing I remembered more vividly about losing my virginity was that I ruined my favorite blouse. This is pathetic. On the other hand if I waited for Mr. Right then, it would seal up, you know. . . Come to think of it Dix was the last man I had sex with, since me and Carter didn't even get that far. Sex with Dix was great, though, even if that wild cowboy loved things a bit on the rough side.  
  
My doorbells rings. "Pizza's here."  
  
We eat silently and quickly. The rain is still pouring down in buckets. "Looks like you're still stuck here."  
  
"Too bad it's just the two of us, we could have played Pictionary. I love that game."  
  
"We could play scrabble, though."  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------  
"Ah-ah! Appendicectomy! That makes. . . thirty-six points! I'm crushing you, Luka!" I say triumphantly as I put down the letters on the table.  
  
"Hey, cut me some slack, will ya? English isn't my first language after all!"  
  
"You've lived here for years, come on! And you made a lot of long, complicated words that come from Latin!"  
  
"I speak Italian, too, but right now all I can come up with are Croatian words!"  
  
"Good for me!"  
  
"You don't have a very good sportive spirit, you know, Susan?"  
  
"When I play I gotta win!"  
  
"That's childish of you!"  
  
"Who's pouting here because he is losing, huh? Talk about childish!"  
  
"Look!" Luka says pointing out of the window "It stopped raining. I can leave you alone now."  
  
"Someone here is making excuses to leave because can't stand to loose!"  
  
"You're right, you happy now? I'll go before you humiliate me even more!"  
  
"Can't stand losing to a girl, huh? You have a big, macho ego, don't you? "  
"Don't you have a bit of pity for this ego of mine?"  
  
"No. I'll let you go, though. Feel free to visit me again, if you feel like playing scrabble and losing again."  
  
"Thanks for everything, Susan."  
  
"I had to pay you back for that shiatsu massage, remember?" I say as I walk Luka down the corridor to the door. A noise comes from the wall. It is familiar and I know what it is. Luka looks at me, puzzled.  
  
"Was that an animal scurrying in the walls?"  
  
"Yup, the mice are friendly and keep me good company. Apartment with pets, for free." I joke.  
  
"Goodnight Susan." Luka say and gives me a friendly kiss on the cheek.  
  
"See you tomorrow, Luka. I had a good time."  
  
"Me too, bye."  
  
I close the door after him but I could smell his musky, masculine scent long after he's gone.  
A/N: I didn't mean to turn this into a series but last night I couldn't sleep and I wrote this chapter, so hope you liked it! Let me know, please! Feedback! This goes to all the people who encouraged me to write a sequel, both on ff.net and ERFanfictionZone, you know you are! Thanks! 


	3. Fathers and daughters

-Chapter Three- Calling nurse Corday  
I walks into the small room adjacent the OR, finding Robert 'Rocket' Romano already there, scrubbing energetically by a sink.  
  
"Good morning, Lizzie!" he chirps cheerfully.  
  
"Good morning to you, Robert" I say, opening a scrub soap and imitating him, rolling my sleeves up to my elbows, before actually starting to scrub.  
  
"You look a bit tired, Lizzie dear, that or you applied badly your make up today, because you have bags under your eyes. You up all night dancing the horizontal hokey-pokey, huh?"  
  
"I wish I did that, Robert. Ella's teething and she kept me up until five in the morning." I sighs "By the way, you look a bit pale, yourself, everything all right, Robert? I saw you cancelled that exploratory laparatomy, the TIPS we didn't do yesterday-"  
  
"Because you didn't show up!"  
  
"-and all the elective surgeries from your schedule for today. Why?"  
  
"I'm feeling a bit down in the dumps, Lizzie, physically not spiritually I mean, because seeing you always succeeds in lifting my spirits up. I don't feel well, maybe I'm coming down with something so I thought I'd better stick to minor surgeries for the day. What else better than a good ol' appendicectomy to start well the day, Lizzie, huh?"  
  
"Rocket Romano that refuses the glories and challenges of complicated surgical procedures! You're sure you're all right, Robert?"  
  
"Lizzie, Lizzie," he says in a disapprovingly tone as he put more soap on his hands "You got to know how appreciate the small pleasure of life, as well, if you wanna live a good life, my dear. There's some poetry about that, too, although I can't remember the words nor the-"  
  
Romano suddenly drops the soap. "Ouch!"  
  
"What's wrong, Robert?"  
  
"Nothing, just a twitch in my arm, Lizzie, not to worry." He minimizes. "Would you mind opening a new soap for me, Lizzie? Thank you very much."  
  
I can't help noticing his hand is trembling evidently. It's his bad arm, the one he injured in the accident with the chopper. I frown in worry. "Are you really fine, Robert? You really don't look like it!"  
  
"I told you already, I might be coming with the flue, but I'm ok, really, Lizzie, stop fussing, I'm not your baby!" as he speaks he grimaces in pain.  
  
"You do act like a child, though!" I state firmly "Come here," I say as I grab his good arm, pulling him closer.  
  
"Elizabeth you are -were- sterile!"  
  
"I'll scrub again!"  
  
Then I gently put a hand on his forehead "My God! Robert you're burning! Your temp must be thirty-nine degrees at least!"  
  
"Ok, I do not feel well, Lizzie, but I'm not dead and cold as ice yet!"  
  
"I was thinking Celsius degrees! Robert, you have a fever, you can't operate like this, come with me!" I actually have to drag him out of the room.  
  
"I don't understand why you British have to do things the opposite way the rest of the world does! Why using Celsius scale and not Fahrenheit?"  
  
"Actually you American are the original ones when it comes to temperatures!" I say as we reach the nurses' station of the surgical floor "Shirley, could you please page Edson and some other resident to cover for me and Dr. Romano for that appendicectomy?"  
  
"Lizzie, it's not really the case, I-"  
  
"Ah, I almost forgot, cancel Dr. Romano's schedule for today and tomorrow. He'll take a couple of days off, he's sick."  
  
"Sure, Dr. Corday. Take care of you, Dr. Romano."  
  
"Shirley don't dare do what she's telling you I-"  
  
"You," I cut him off in a way that I hope is authoritative and doesn't allow any reply "You are going down to the ER to get yourself checked out."  
  
"Oh, please, Lizzie!" he pleads as I drag him in the lift "Going in that mental asylum won't help me at all! And I don't need a pill pusher poking at me! "  
  
"Stop it Robert!"  
  
When the doors of the lift open Susan Lewis is there and looks at us with an eyebrow arched in a well-trained quizzical way. "Is everything alright Elizabeth?"  
  
"Actually no, Susan. Robert has a fever I think."  
  
"Curtain Three is open. I'll get a thermometer and I'll be back with a chart."  
  
"There's no need to start a chart, Lizzie."  
  
"Here," I intimate giving him a gown "Put this on, Robert."  
  
He takes it and grins "A bit of privacy, Lizzie dear?"  
  
"Sure." I blush and I turn to the wall, hoping that Robert hasn't seen me. I turn again only when Robert clears his throat quite loudly.  
  
Susan comes back and stick a thermometer in Robert's ear. "104 °. Pretty high. Any other symptoms, Robert?"  
  
"Dizziness and I'm terribly thirsty. And oppression, if that counts as a symptom too. But that's Lizzie's fault."  
  
"His arm is bothering him too." I offer, ignoring him.  
  
"Ok, it doesn't look serious. Maybe just a twenty-four hours bug, there's a lot around. You look a bit dehydrated so I'll keep you on a saline IV. I'll call your physical therapist for you arm. What's the name?"  
  
"Gunn, Tyler Gunn." Robert answers through gritted teeth. I see he's not comfortable letting people know his arm isn't doing so well as he wants everyone to believe.  
  
"Ok. I'll be back in a while." Susan disappear behind the drawn curtain.  
  
"Are you hungry, Robert? When was last time you ate something?"  
  
"Yesterday at lunch. When I got home I was so tired I went straight to bed , without having dinner. And this morning I definitely didn't feel like eating."  
  
"I'll see what I can turn up."  
  
I manage to find an orange juice and some Jell-O. When Roberts sees them grimace in disgust.  
  
"Come on, don't fuss! Open your mouth!" I say as I lift the spoon, ready to feed him.  
  
"Lizzie, I'm not your baby! I can eat on my own!" he snaps, snatching the spoon and reluctantly eating its contents.  
  
"Sorry. Force of habit I guess."  
  
I watch him eat the whole Jell-O. I can tell he was hungry.  
  
"Lizzie, don't you have another place to be? An OR maybe? There's no need for you to be mothering me."  
  
"I told Shirley to get Edson to cover for me. Thought you could use some company, that's all."  
  
"Company is fine, constant pestering no."  
  
"I'll behave, promise." I put my left hand on my chest and raise the right in a solemn gesture. "Girl scout's honor."  
  
We chat a little until Robert finally dozes off. He can be quite an lovely person, funny to be with, if he only wants to. I'm afraid that doesn't happen often. I don't know why he prefers people to see only his bossy, annoying and snarky side. I know there's a sweet and caring Robert under the surgical cap, though.  
  
I grab a chair and prepare to spend the night by his side. I feel bad at leaving him here alone. I take out my mobile phone and dial my home number. Cheryl, the nanny, answers.  
  
"Hi, Cheryl, it's me. Look, would you mind spending the night with Ella? A friend of mine is sick and I'd like to spend the night with him. You'd do me a big favor and I know you could use the extra money. Perfect. I'll see you in the morning."  
  
A stout man open the curtain. "Hi, I'm Tyler Gunn, Dr. Romano's physical therapist. I see he's asleep but I was told his arm is bothering him again."  
  
"Yup, it twang earlier this morning. He acted like it was no big deal but I saw his arm was shaking visibly."  
  
"No wonder. Needless to say Dr. Romano is pigheaded. I have been telling him for moths that he shouldn't strain himself so much. It's a miracle he recovered this quick already but he's been pushing his luck. I don't think he'll ever recover full mobility of the arm and he's endangering his chances even more."  
  
I am flabbergasted. Robert never mentioned that horrible possibility. "I'll try and get him to rest more."  
  
"Hope you'll have a better luck." He walks away.  
  
I finally fall asleep too. But sleeping on a chair isn't exactly comfortable and my head keeps hanging down, causing my necks to spasm painfully. One of this spasms wakes me up and I open my eyes to see Robert staring intensely at me.  
  
"You don't look like you're sleeping well, Lizzie. Why don't you lay next to me? I don't bite, I promise."  
  
"Thanks" I say, taking up his offer.  
  
I am laying against Robert's chest and when he speaks his voice echoes into my own chest and it feels so funny.  
  
"By the way, what are you still doing here, Lizzie? You should be home to Ella by now."  
  
"I didn't feel good leaving you here so I stayed. The nanny's spending the night with Ella."  
  
"You shouldn't have Lizzie." He scolds me affectionately "There was no need to. I am a tough old bastard, I can take care of myself, you know." Robert runs his fingers through my hair, toying with it.  
  
"You're right about the bastard part, I'm not so sure about the rest, Robert. Gunn dropped by and said you're pushing yourself too much. You're undermining your chances of a full recovery, Robert."  
  
"As if there are any, Lizzie. He made it clear enough I'll never recuperate complete mobility. I might not be able to practice surgery anymore."  
  
He looks away abruptly but I think I saw a tear rolling down his cheek. No wonder. I mean, he might be losing all he has and I'm stunned his taking it so well.  
  
"Wanna talk about it, Robert?"  
  
He still doesn't look at me. "If I do I-I'll fall apart, Lizzie."  
  
I squeeze his hand. "It's ok."  
  
"I feel like. I feel like I'm losing everything. Let's face it, I'm not a nice guy and people usually can't stand me but I don't care. I am good at what I do, though, and that's enough for me. As long as I have Gretel, a scalpel and a few good friends"  
  
He pauses and looks directly in my eyes "I am happy. I don't need anything else in the world. Surgery was my whole life until I was stupid enough to stand to close to a helicopter."  
  
"You're a wonderful surgeon and teacher, you have plenty of other options, Robert. You could be a teacher of once. You'd be a damn good one."  
  
"Me? With my wonderful people skills?" he laughs bitterly.  
  
"Come on, you're funny for once. And look at Carter, he's a damn fine doctor and Benton isn't exactly the most forthcoming teacher. He's a great surgeon and that's enough."  
  
"It's not enough, Lizzie."  
"I can't live like that." He quietly starts crying.  
  
I feel awkward because I'm not used to grown men crying, British men are to taught to never show their emotions. And that's true for women at some point, but they're more easily forgiven. The sight of Robert Romano crying like a baby is unusual and devastating.  
  
I hug him and he squeezes me back, burying his face in my hair. Then he stops and sniffs. "That was so melodramatic, Lizzie. Don't even think of telling people."  
  
I smile. "Don't worry, it will be our little secret, Robert."  
  
"I still feel ashamed. Couldn't I just yell or something? Did I really have to cry like a girl?"  
  
"It's ok to let it all out. You needed it."  
  
"I'll go back to sleep before I make a fool of myself again." He says and rolls over.  
  
I listens to his steady breathing and I make a silent promise to be there for him. 


	4. Full moon, Friday night

-Chapter Four- Full moon, Friday night  
As I swing past the nurses station of the surgical floor I check my daily surgical schedule. I notice that the bowel resection I was going to do with Robert has been ticked off and so have all my surgeries with him. I stop Shirley and ask her for an explanation.  
  
"Didn't you get the memo, Dr. Corday?"  
  
"What memo?"  
  
"The one saying Dr. Anspaugh has suspended Dr. Romano from surgery until further notice. Rumor has it until he recuperates full use of his arm. If he ever does, that is."  
  
"Oh."  
  
I snap myself out of my bewilderment "Who's covering for him?"  
"Edson or Pratt, I'd have to check on that, Dr. Corday."  
  
Great. I couldn't say who's worse of the two smug young smart-asses. After a hellish shift with both Pratt and Edson, who has spent the whole time harassing me trying to hit on me, apparently unaware that I'm nearly old enough to be his mother, I decide to check on Robert. I'd better ring him up first. I take out my mobile phone and dial Robert's number.  
  
"This is Robert Romano speaking. Leave a message after the tone only if it is really important otherwise I won't bother to call you back. Beep."  
  
Typical Robert. " Robert, it's me, Elizabeth. Pick up if you're there. I wanna drop by and see if you're ok."  
  
"Hi Lizzie. How nice of you to think of checking on me but, please, don't bother to come. I might not be the best company right now."  
  
"Bollocks! I'll be there in ten minutes."  
  
"I love it when you swear in that British way of yours, Lizzie!"  
  
"Don't be a bloody twat, Robert!"  
  
"See? You did it again!"  
  
He hangs up on me.  
  
It didn't take me long to get here although I'm now standing nervously on Robert's doorstep. I'm wondering if I had a good idea after all. It's not like Robert and I see each other socially. It's too late anyway, he's waiting for me. I ring the bell and the barking of a dog scares me a bit. I remember he has one though, a quite big one, although I can't seem to remember for the life of me what race it is. I was never into dogs.  
  
Robert opens the door and orders "Quiet, Gretel!"  
  
It's too late, though. The big dog jumps on me and knocks me down. Hurgh! This horrible beast is licking my face! Bleah, how disgusting!  
  
"Crikey!"  
  
Robert helps get her off me and helps me to my feet-  
  
"She likes you, Lizzie."  
  
"Really." I spit out still quite disgusted, wiping my face with a Kleenex.  
  
"So what brings you here, Lizzie dear?"  
  
"Shirley told me you were forced to take a leave of absence and I wanted to see how you are taking it, Robert."  
  
"Not well, Lizzie, as you can surely imagine. You must be loving Anspaugh, right?"  
  
"Don't be bloody silly, Robert! Working with you might not be exactly my cup of tea but I care for you, believe it or not!" I spit out indignantly.  
  
"I'm sorry, it's just that I'm not used to people liking me, Lizzie. And I did warn you that I might not be in the mood for company."  
  
"Is it the reason why you're keeping me on your doorstep forever, Robert?"  
  
"Sorry Lizzie, come on in."  
  
I step inside. I'm gladly surprise to see that Robert's house doesn't match the stereotype of a messy bachelor's pad. It is quite essential but well- furnished and elegant instead. It reminds me a bit of an old English cottage.  
  
"Wanna drink something, Lizzie? Did my house pass your test? I saw how you were looking around."  
  
"With an excellent mark, I daresay."  
  
"I am fond of my house nearly as much as I am eager to cut people open, Lizzie."  
  
"I can see. A Bloody Mary would be fine."  
  
"Let's go to my studio. There's a fireplace there and I'm sure you'll find it quiet cozy."  
  
His studio is a cozy wooden room, full of books, for real. A stereo is softly playing some country music.  
  
"Robert, I didn't know you were into country music. You always ask for classical music in the OR."  
  
"I found Beethoven more suitable for surgery but deep down I'm a Yankee. What can I say?"  
  
We chat for a while and Robert asks me to stay for dinner.  
  
"I really would love to but I gotta get back home to Ella."  
  
"Oh, come on, go get her, Lizzie."  
  
I'd be really glad to spend this Friday night with Robert instead than with a little girl that can only make noises and "Mama, baba" an another few words she made up. Conversation isn't much stimulating. "Maybe I don't have to do that. The nanny lives a few blocks nearby and she could take her here on her way home."  
  
I take out my mobile and dial my home number to tell Cheryl to bring Ella here, along with diapers and baby food.  
  
"So what do you like for dinner? My specialty is maccheroni and cheese."  
  
"You cook, Robert?"  
  
"Yeah, and I am actually good at it, or so I am told. I cook, tidy up the house, do the chores and earn the big bucks. I can't understand why the ladies haven't landed me yet."  
  
"Me neither."  
  
The doorbell rings. It's Cheryl with Ella. I take her in my arms "Hi, sweetheart!"  
  
We sit on the couch as Robert works busily in the nearby kitchen. Gretel sniffs all around my baby and I don't like it at all. She's so big she could take one of Ella's arms off with a single bite. Luckily the dog seems to like my daughter and she licks her tiny hand. Ella gurgles with happiness and reach out her hands toward the dog. I'm afraid she's gonna stick her fingers in Gretel's eyes but she just caresses her nose.  
  
"Baba." Ella says. It's her word for water.  
  
"Yes," I reply "Her nose is wet. It's a good thing. It means Gretel is healthy."  
  
"'Etel." Ella repeats after me.  
  
The dog barks in acknowledgment.  
  
"Looks like someone is making friends here." Robert calls out from the kitchen.  
  
"She likes your dog. And Gretel likes her back."  
  
"My puppy has a killer instinct. She can tell good from bad people right away."  
  
I nod, wondering how you could call this enormous ball of fur a puppy.  
  
"Pasta's ready."  
  
I walk into the kitchen and I find out Robert has romantically lit a candle in the middle of the table. He surprisingly has a high chair too.  
  
"Do you have a secret son, Robert?"  
  
"Who knows? Maybe there's a little Romano somewhere. I'm afraid there's a more mundane explanation, though. Carmelita, my housekeeper, has a son and she often brings little Raul here. I have a crib in the spare room too."  
  
I put Ella into her seat "Could you please keep my maccheroni in the oven so that it remains warm? I need to feed Ella first."  
  
"Sure," he says putting his plate away as well. "I'll wait for you."  
  
Ella doesn't want to cooperate, though. She wouldn't open her mouth for me. She keeps pushing the spoon away until she manages to throw her homogenized baby food all over my new shirt.  
  
"Thank you so much, Ella." I spit out "Fine, don't eat but don't ever dream of waking me up tonight because you're hungry! Got that?"  
  
"I can't blame her, Lizzie. I wouldn't wanna eat that tasteless mush myself. Can I try?"  
  
"Sure. Hope you have quick reflexes, Robert, you'll have to dodge flying spoonfuls of food, I'm afraid."  
  
He takes out our plates and chops some of his maccheroni into tiny bits. The he take some in a spoon and wave it invitingly under Ella's nose. She sniffs it suspiciously but open her mouth. She gulps it down and open her mouth again, hungrily.  
  
"Ah-ah! A new fan of Romano haute-cuisine!" he exclaims triumphantly.  
  
I laugh. "This is really delicious, Robert. You absolutely have to give me the recipe."  
  
"It wouldn't be the same without my magic touch. I'll bring you some to County from time to time, if I ever get back to the hospital, that is."  
  
"Bollocks! You'll be a wonderful surgical residents' supervisor, Robert. I know Anspaugh offered you that position."  
  
"I might take it up. Bossing that weasel of Edson around is better than staying home, wriggling my thumbs I guess."  
  
"I thought you liked him. He's kind of your natural heir in the OR."  
  
"Nah, he might be a bastard like me but he lacks the superior surgical skills and the snarky attitude. He's a self-righteous chap who takes himself too seriously."  
  
"You're right. And I'd miss you so much, Robert."  
  
"Be careful, Lizzie. I can hold everything you say against you."  
  
"Yeah, remind me of what I just said next time you make want to kick things, you really have a knack for pushing my buttons, Robert."  
  
I take Ella to bed in the spare room and Robert and I chat a little bit. The crackling fire is so warm; the brandy Robert has offered me and the tiredness of the long day of work have the best of me. I drift off to sleep. When I wake up it's almost one AM. Robert has put a blanket around me but he is nowhere to be seen. I walk upstairs and I find him struggling to strap a clean diaper on Ella with one hand.  
  
"I changed Raul many times but it's really hard to do with only one hand. Ella's been really cooperative, though."  
  
"Robert Romano as a dad. This is definitely something I haven't quite pictured before." I exclaim helping him out. "It's weird, Ella usually doesn't like being touched by strangers."  
  
" I am a surgeon, -was- probably, and I have the most gentle touch, Lizzie." I nod and stifle a yawn.  
  
"I can see you're tired and sleepy. I changed the sheets of the bed. You can sleep here tonight. One of Carmelita's dress is on the nightstand."  
  
"Thank you, but I need to get Ella to sleep before."  
  
"I can do that."  
  
I nod and go to the bathroom to get changed. I feel silly in this girly, flowery dress too big for me and quite self-conscious as well. This Carmelita must be shorter and fatter than me, because her dress his exposing generous portions of my terribly milky legs and chest. I hate my complexion, I'm ghastly pale and I have freckles all over my body. Robert doesn't pay attention to me though. He is busy rocking Ella and singing some country tune to her. I slide into the bed. Robert sings very well and his lullaby makes me fall asleep even before Ella.  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------  
Luka rings my doorbell and I grab my purse and take one last, long look at myself in the entrance mirror. I am wearing a black spaghetti strap dress and heeled shoes. Maybe I'll get another wonderful massage from Luka. A necklace of pearls is all the jewelry I'm wearing. I don't wanna overdo it, this is not a proper date, but I wan to make an impression on Luka's family. And on him, sure. Outside my apartment Luka and a younger man who's his spitting image wait for me. Behind them there's a fair girl.  
  
Luka's brother outstretch a hand and I shake it. "Nice to meet you, Susan. I'm Goran. It's good to see my big brother shows some taste in women after all."  
  
"Oh, shut up!" Luka exclaims, blushing. Then he says something in Croatian. Insults probably. He's still as red as a beetroot. He's adorable.  
  
Goran introduces me to his wife, Iani?a. She looks really shy or maybe she just doesn't speak English very well. Her slightly bulging stomach informs me she's pregnant, not very far along, though.  
  
We all get into Luka's car. Goran is very sparkling and talkative. He jokes all the time and tells me merciless and embarrassing anecdotes about Luka's childhood. Iani?a sits quietly in the front seats while Luka pretend to be busy driving although I can see his ears are red from embarrassment.  
  
"And so our mom kept crying, how do you say in English, Luka?"  
  
Iani?a stifles a laugh and Luka snorts "I'm not gonna translate that! Cut it out Goran!"  
  
"Oh, I remembered. So she was crying while he ran naked all around the room 'In the potty, do it in the potty, Luka!' I thought my dad was gonna die since he couldn't breath because he was laughing so much!"  
  
I'm afraid I am gonna die as well. I have tears in my eyes.  
  
"This is not fair!" Luka snaps "Let's talk about that time you peed in your pants because I told you that you had been adopted, huh?"  
  
"How could you believe that? You look so much alike."  
  
"He was a wicked older brother and I was little and stupid."  
  
"You still are!"  
  
The two brothers don't stop teasing each other until the lights go out in the theater. It's weird yet funny seeing Luka's bright and funny side for once. He is not Dr. Gloom and Doom after all. The ballet is wonderful but Iani?a and Goran can't enjoy it much because she's feeling sick.  
  
"Why do they call it morning sickness?" Goran complains as she walks his wife to the ladies room "She has it all the time, not only in the morning!"  
  
Luka has a somewhat pained expression as he watches the couple walking away. It must be hard for him seeing his brother having a family. I can't help myself and I squeeze his hand in sympathy. He smiles sadly yet gratefully at me, appreciating my gesture.  
  
When it is all over they drive me home. Luka gallantly walks me to the door. Goran rolls down his window. "Aren't you gonna give the lady a kiss, bro?"  
  
Luka gives him a look. Then he blushes as he quickly brushes my lips. I feel on cloud number nine and I'm ready to gratefully kiss Goran.  
  
"Sorry you have had to put up with him. I promise next time we go out it will be better."  
  
I struggle not to jump with joy. There will be another time! Anyway I'm feeling good-natured toward Goran in this very moment. I owe him a big one. "I think he's funny."  
  
"You didn't live with him 24/7 for about twenty years. Iani?a is a saint but I'm afraid she wont' last long."  
  
I wave them goodbye. I really like Goran. I definitely like Luka better though.  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------  
The following day a delicious smell of hot coffee wakes me up. Robert is bringing me my breakfast to bed with a tray.  
  
"Good morning, sleepy head. I hope you hadn't an early shift because I let you sleep. You look like you needed it."  
  
"I'm not on until twelve."  
  
"Good, I was thinking of getting in with you and talk to Anspaugh. I'll take that teaching slot, for the time being. It's better than staying here swallowing in self-pity."  
  
"This is the Romano I know" and love, I add only in my mind. If I tell him he'll never give me a break.  
  
" Ladies and gentleman, Rocket is back. Ella woke up at six AM sharp. I took her downstairs and warmed up her bottle."  
  
"Thank you, Robert."  
  
"No problem Lizzie, I'm a morning person. I also made you breakfast but I didn't know what you normally take so I settled for the whole English thing."  
  
He scoops warm buttered toast, hot coffee, eggs and bacon, hot tomatoes, tea with milk that from the smell is original Earl Grey and orange juice. Wow, full red carpet treatment.  
  
"Thank you Robert, I haven't had such a great breakfast in years. You do have a promising career as a chef, or as a stay home dad, as you prefer."  
"Too bad I don't have any kids. Or is it a proposal, Lizzie? This is so sudden!"  
  
I chuckle and spatter crumbles all over the pillow.  
  
"You're cleaning that mess."  
  
Ella cries from downstairs and Robert goes get her. The three of us sit on the bed. Robert snatches a bite from my toast and plays with Ella. We look like a happy family.  
  
I haven't felt this good since Mark's death.  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------  
My jaw drops when I see Elizabeth enter the ER with an unnaturally cheerful Romano in tow. He's holding Ella very, paternally. I can't find any other word to describe it. Only that's an adjective that clearly doesn't go well with Rocket Romano. Or not? They look quite happy, almost a family. I remember Luka's words and make a mental note to bet on a date on the nurses' pool. There must be one going on for sure. Maybe Elizabeth has a thing for baldies, who knows?  
  
"Can I take her to daycare, Lizzie?"  
  
"Sure. See you later Robert, I'm covering the ER today."  
  
"Maybe our paths will cross. I'll tag along with Edson today and I'll make sure I make the most pleasure out of making his work life miserable."  
  
"I don't doubt that, Robert. Bye sweetheart!"  
  
She got me scared for a moment but as I see Romano gently twisting Ella's hand in a hello-like gesture I realize she referred to her, not Romano. I gather he has taken up that teaching position after all. Romano a teacher? Hurgh! But take Carter for example. He's one of the best doctor I know. Maybe great surgical skills are enough. Benton's teaching style wasn't exactly accommodating and helpful. I remember Carter gave him a lousy grade in his trauma rotation evaluation. But that was Haleh's fault as well and he took it all back when Benton got him the surgical sub-I. I don't wanna be in the shoes of those poor surgical residents anyway.  
  
I approach Elizabeth. "Didn't know Romano liked kids."  
  
"He's a man of many talents." Elizabeth winks conspiratorially and mysteriously.  
  
"All unproven" I mutter.  
  
I walk in on Carter and Abby arguing in the lounge. I try to make an u-turn but Carter has seen me so I just try to mind my own business and sit to catch up on my paperwork. I can't help but listen, though, because they are very angry and loud.  
  
"So when were you planning on tell me you have decided to go back to med school, huh?" Carter asks threateningly.  
  
"I thought you would be glad. You always thought my being a nurse wasn't enough!"  
  
"That's not the point!"  
  
"Well, you didn't exactly consulted me when you decided to go play hero with doctors without borders!"  
  
"That was different!"  
  
"Oh, yeah? How?"  
  
"We'll we weren't engaged for once!"  
  
"I thought engagement wasn't a synonym of slavery! I'm still free to make my choices, I hope."  
  
"Sure you are, I'd just appreciate you'd inform me when you've made a decision, that's all."  
  
"So you can start complaining about it. No, I'm sorry but I'd rather not."  
  
"Great way of thinking. A real couple view Abby, way to go."  
  
"You started whining about Luka being my mentor. How many times do I have to tell you, huh? We are history. I am completely over Luka."  
  
"He isn't though!"  
  
I know that he isn't but I don't think it's the right time to throw my two cents in.  
  
"Oh come on, Carter. You know he would never hit on me. He knows we are engaged and he's a way too decent man to do such a low blow, Carter."  
  
I completely agree with Abby, but I know Carter isn't persuaded. He's being a stubborn, jealous fool.  
  
"Oh, yeah, I forgot. He's St. Luka, right?"  
  
"You're making a fool of yourself, Carter!"  
  
Point well taken Abby. Go girl. I'm sorry but I think Carter is completely wrong although no one asked my opinion. Well it's not my fault they're fighting in the lounge . As my wise old grandma would say, don't wash your dirty linen in public.  
  
"Maybe I am but there are other problems. How are you gonna manage with the money? It's hard, working and being in med school at the same time. Now that you and Richard are divorced he won't be paying your fees anymore."  
  
"And I am not asking you to. I don't want you, your grandmother or your family to buy my medical degree."  
  
"No one bought my degree."  
  
"This isn't what I meant, Carter!"  
  
"But you thought it, right? And I don't think it's the right time for you to undertake such a time and energies consuming challenge, Abby. Not after your recent slip-up. You still need to get over your drinking problem after Brian beat you up. You can't ignore it."  
  
"Oh, yeah, tell the whole damn hospital I am a fucking drunk!"  
  
I stare intensely at the chart if front of me, embarrassed, feeling two pair of eyes on the back of my neck. I pretend to be deaf, mute and blind. It's safer this way. Never come between a man and his wife. Another saying from my grandma. She was really a wise woman, that's why she lived so long. She was ninety-two when she died.  
  
"A recovering alcoholic." Carter points out.  
  
"Don't hide between meaningless words, Carter! You can't tell me how to live my life. You have no right to lecture me. And I am no helpless young girl, I can take care of myself. There's no need for you to second-guess me every fucking time. Please, do me a big favor, don't talk to me for the next couple of days."  
  
"Great! Are we in fourth grade now, Abby?" Carter snorts but she has already stormed out of the room.  
  
He sits on the couch and lets out a big sigh. He shakes his head and says "I am sorry you had to witness this sad scene, Susan."  
  
"What scene?" I ask too innocently. "I was really concentrating hard on this damn paperwork. I need to finish it soon or Kerry will kill me."  
  
"Nice try, Susan, but I don't buy it. It's just that Abby drives me mad sometimes."  
  
"It's the main drawback of great passions, Carter. We get along just fine, that's why we didn't work. No chemistry. You and Abby have lots of it instead. Since you dragged me into this, I'll tell you my two cents. She is completely right. She is a big girl and can and needs to make her own decisions. She has to tell you but she has the final saying in the matter."  
  
"You're right, Susan, it's just that I feel like we're growing apart. She doesn't rely on me like she used to do."  
  
"It's normal, Carter. You and Abby had this big codependency issue and I thought it wasn't a healthy thing for your relationship. You two had too much baggage and relied on each other to carry it too much. Now you're growing out of it, though, and that's positive. You need to become independent from each other. You leaned on each other way too heavily, you need to learn to stand on your won two feet."  
  
"I don't know, Susan. Things aren't like what it used to be between us. I feel like we're losing complicity."  
  
"Don't mix up dependency with complicity. Things change, Carter, and either you learn to live with it or you move on to a future without Abby."  
  
"No, I definitely want to have Abby in my future. I guess you're right, Susan, thanks for the great advice."  
  
"I am so much older than you, young man." I joke "The credit goes to my grandmother, though. She taught me all you need to know to get by in this sad, sad world."  
  
"Sounds like a very wise woman." He mumbles.  
  
"You betcha." 


	5. It's not easy being Luka Kovac

-Chapter Five- It's not easy being Luka Kovac  
I watch Luka quietly doing charts at the nurses' station. I know I am acting like a silly teenager but I can't help stealing glimpses of the handsome Croat when I think no one sees me. I do have the tiniest, ok-huge- , crush on him. A patient has just puked all over him so he isn't wearing his usual lab-coat, just a sporty turtleneck blue sweater and a pair of jeans. Damn he looks hot. And younger. Which in turn just make me feel old, ugly and extremely foolish to be thinking of him all the time. I quickly return my eyes to my chart when I hear the familiar and oh-so- nightmarish noise of Kerry's cane. Right then the radio cracks to life.  
  
"County general this is dispatch. Do you copy?"  
  
Abby grabs the radio. "Yes, go ahead dispatch."  
  
"A forty-two cars pile-up just took place on the interstate. Sixty casualties at least. Prepare to send doctors on the field."  
  
Abby gapes "Is this a bullet, dispatch?"  
  
"No, this is not a bullet. We need you to send people right away. A chopper will come take them. ETA six minutes. Roger."  
  
"Roger, dispatch."  
  
"Jesus, forty-two cars means eighty injured if we suppose there were only two passenger per car. Carter, Luka, Susan you'll go on the scene. Chen and I will wait for the traumas here. Get a mass casualty protocol going on, Abby, stat."  
  
As we go up to the roof the whole ER buzzes with hectic people preparing for the major affluence of critical patients. Kerry's voice urgently barking orders echoes into my ears. The chopper is already waiting for us. A couple of surgeons from Mercy greet us. As the chopper takes off I shiver uncontrollably. I am scared to death of flying. Carter sympathetically squeezes my arm. I smile weakly. Luka glances from me to Carter quizzically.  
  
"I have this huge fear of flying." I explain trying not to let my teeth chatter too noticeably. "Always have. I take the train whenever I can."  
  
I'm sure he thinks I am a nutso now. He smiles understandingly instead. "I'm not too comfortable on planes either. I guess that's because during the war they dropped bomb on us. It is something my psyche has irremediably connected with fear and destruction."  
  
I take a huge sigh of relief when we land. Luka gallantly offers me a hand to hop off the chopper. This elderly female surgeon appreciates it "I thought chivalry had gone out with hoop skirts and bowler hats."  
  
My relief soon disappears when we step through the contorted steel sheets and the smoke of the accident. We can hear people screaming everywhere. It's the closest thing to hell I can imagine. Luka seems a lot more comfortable in this hellish scenario than me and Carter. He was in a war I remember. Carter is holding it pretty well too, and I regret not having been sent on the field more often. I could have been more prepared for this. Or maybe nothing could have prepared me for this. As Mark used to say, there are only two kind of doctors: those who keep their feeling and those who don't. I unfortunately belong to the first category. So I resign to bear the wave of nausea that sweeps over me as the awful smell of burning human flesh enters my nose as we pass a car in fire.  
  
I walk to this small boy a firefighter has just took out from a car. He's bleeding from his head. He feels around for his glasses that are nearby , cracked and bloody.  
  
"Where are my glasses? Where are my glasses?" he repeats over and over, in panic.  
  
"What's your name?"  
  
"Leopold. Have you seen my glasses?"  
  
"Calm down Leopold. You'll buy a new pair. Wound is on the right temple."  
  
With the help of a paramedic I sedate him and bandage his head. When I leave him he's clutching his broken glasses like this is the worst thing that happened to him. I pass to the next victim, a girl who has apparently been ejected from the car through the windshield and is lying in a big pool of glass. A cop he's desperately administering her CPR. I shake my head sadly, she can't be older than Susie. Her brain is scattered all over the concrete.  
  
"We'll never get her back with a head wound like that. Stop compressions, officer."  
  
I go help Luka, who's busy with a pregnant young woman.  
  
" A piece of metal pierced right through her lower left quadrant." He informs me without taking his eyes off her. "Come on, Michelle, stay wake for me!"  
  
"How far a long are you, Michelle?" I ask.  
  
"I am not pregnant" she mumbles, clearly confused.  
  
"She might have hit her head, Luka."  
  
"The wound is four centimeters off the mid-line. She looks about eight months."  
  
"We need a fetal monitor. She needs to get to a hospital, stat!"  
  
I walk Luka and the patient to the chopper. Carter is already there with an elderly man who looks in bad condition.  
  
"What have you got, Carter?"  
  
"Glass fragments penetrated his abdomen pretty deep, kinda like bullets. No exit wounds. Diminished breath sounds on the right. BP 's 100 over 60 and falling. Pulse 88. I might need to fly him to County."  
  
"No way." Luka replies authoritatively "She has priority."  
  
"What's her problem?"  
  
"Kind of a stab wound to the lower quadrant." I reply, looking worriedly the two doctors confronting like animals ready to fight.  
  
"She doesn't look critical to me." Carter replies.  
  
"She's pregnant. We can't check the baby until we get to a hospital."  
  
"She is stable though. My patient's not."  
  
"He's not pregnant!"  
  
"First rule of triage: the most critical goes first."  
  
"We're talking about a baby!"  
  
"Susan, wha do you think?" Carter asks me.  
  
"I-I, uhm." I stammer. Carter's right but Luka has a point too.  
  
"Ok, I'll go." Carter loads his patient on the chopper.  
  
"CARTER!" Luka yells furiously.  
  
The chopper takes off without us. Luka rushes to a nearby ambulance and urges the paramedic to go. I watch the rig pull away screeching its tires loudly.  
  
When I get to County both Trauma rooms are full. Luka and Kerry are working on Michelle while Carter and Chen are with the old guy from before.  
  
I enter Trauma One first. "Luka, how is it going?"  
  
"Not good. Nine inch abdominal bleed on mom."  
  
"How about the baby?"  
  
"32 weeks size. Good cardiac activity." Kerry informs me.  
  
I grab the ultrasound and check the situation for myself " Hold on."  
  
"What?"  
  
"There. A blood clot."  
  
"Abruption?" Luka asks alarmed, already knowing the answer.  
  
"Could be. Twelve milligrams of betametasone now." Kerry orders.  
  
"What's happening? Am I going to die?" Michelle asks scared to death.  
  
"The stab wound has damaged the placenta causing it to bleed which would cut off oxygen to you baby."  
  
"Oh God!"  
  
"Right now it looks okay but we may need to bring you upstairs for a c- section." I try to reassure her.  
  
"You mean cut me open?"  
  
"32 weeks is early but we're giving you steroids now to help ensure the baby's lungs." Luka says, always concerned about the baby first.  
  
"Oh my God! Don't let my baby die. Doctor!"  
  
"Shit!" Kerry curses "Fetal heartbeat is down to 60."  
  
"Prepare for an emergency c-section!"  
  
I do as he tells me "Get someone from OB here! And a neonatolgist stat!"  
  
"Coburn is doing an ultrasound in Exam Two!" Chuny says and disappears to get her.  
  
Janet Coburn enters the room and asks briskly like usual "Give me the bullet, Kerry!"  
  
Kerry complies. "32 weeks preemie, abruption of the placenta and possible hypoxia. Fetal heartbeat is 20. Given steroids to improve the lungs and twelve milligrams of betametasone."  
  
"Lost the heartbeat!" I cry.  
  
"Ok, let's get him out!" Coburn swiftly perform a c-section.  
Luka takes out a small baby and looks for a heartbeat with his stethoscope. The silence in the room is eerie: the baby is not crying.  
  
"Is my baby ok?" Michelle asks feebly.  
  
I put a hand on Luka's shoulder. He looks really upset. "Want me to pronounce him?"  
  
"No. I'll do it. Time of death, 10:37."  
  
He storms out of the trauma room and I follow him, leaving Coburn and Kerry with the desperate Michelle. Luka quickly walks down the aisle and heads towards Carter, who's watching his patient being wheeled out to the OR by Elizabeth.  
  
"He died!" Luka spits out angrily.  
  
"Who?"  
  
"The baby of the pregnant girl!"  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"You killed him!"  
  
"I didn't. Triage is all about-"  
  
"I don't give a fuck about triage! You killed an innocent baby, you son of a bitch!" Luka loses it and punches Carter forcefully on the jaw. Carter flies on the wall and then slides down to the ground, massaging his jaw.  
  
Kerry, who has been attracted by the noise, rushes by Carter side. "You need to be checked out. I'll order a set of facial x-rays." Then she turns to Luka who's storming off outside. "LUKA! Come back here, now!"  
  
Luka doesn't hear her or pretends he doesn't and storms out.  
  
"I'll go get him." I volunteer.  
  
"Get his sorry ass here or he's fired."  
  
I rush in the ambulance bay and I notice it's raining. Luka is standing there in pouring rain, his head down and his fist clenched so tightly his knuckles are white. I get closer to him. His murmuring something in Croatian, it sounds like a prayer. I gently put my hand on his shoulder. "Luka, I am sorry. I think you were right and-"  
  
"Your being sorry isn't much helpful to that little baby!" he shouts with so much anger that I withdraw my hand quickly, hurt, as if I have touched fire.  
  
Luka turns around and sees my hurt face. I am almost crying although I know I shouldn't. A flash of guiltiness flickers in his eyes and he steps closer to me and squeezes my arm.  
  
"Sorry Susan, I shouldn't have taken it out on you. It's just that I can't stand seeing children die, I-"  
  
"I know. It's ok. We'd better get inside though. Weaver is on the warpath. Said she's gonna fire you."  
  
"There's no need to. I quit."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I've had enough of this."  
  
"But, Luka, you can't. You, I-I'd miss you so much!" my eyes are filling with tears again.  
  
He smiles sadly and caresses my cheek. "I'll miss you too. You're one of the few good things in this damn hospital."  
  
He turns around again and slowly walks away in the rain. I just stand there, unable to move as he disappear from my sight and the rain soaks me. When I finally gather the strength I walk back inside. Kerry looks expectantly over my shoulder. "Spare your breath, Kerry." I say bitterly. "He's gone, he quit."  
  
"What?"  
  
I don't bother to reply and I walk in the ladies room. I lock myself in a stall and cry all my tears. For Michelle's baby, for Luka and for myself, because too many times this job sucks and life is unfair.  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------  
The following day Luka didn't show up for real. I tired to call him all day long yesterday and the day before that but at home I got only the machine and his cell phone was switched off. I didn't have the guts to actually go to his place. I am a bit worried. Unfortunately today is one of those day as in, after a quick survey, forty- three patients in chairs ant twenty-eight in the ER, plus a multiple trauma coming in. Not to mention that Chen is sick so it's only me and an understandably freaked-out Kerry. She barks at Carter on the phone to get here even if it's his day off. We're still short-handed, though.  
  
Kerry picks up the phone again. "I'm calling a temp agency, we're still an attending down. And I'll make sure they don't send us an old dermatologist this time!"  
  
The place is hectic. I run all over the ER like a crazy bee. We actually start treating minors in chairs without a chart. We're so swamped. Still no sign of the temp doc. My eyes grow big with excitement when I spot Luka, wearing a lab-coat. I can't help myself and I hug him. "Where the hell did you go?"  
  
He smiles "I've being around, doing stuff. And before you ask me no, I'm not back. I'm just moonlighting and I am your temp today."  
  
"Kerry will be glad, you're no dermatologist."  
  
I try to work with him as much as I can. Not that we actually have time to talk, people just keep coming in. It's a nightmare. Carter is in a crappy mood because he was going to go on some kind of mini-break with Abby and instead he's stuck in the ER so I try to stay steer clear of him. Kerry comes along. "Luka, Susan. Take a look at this kid in Exam One. It's not that critical to require two physicians but I noticed that I can't separate you two today."  
  
We walk down the hallway. Malik draws a curtain open. "Here's the water you asked me, Mr. Doyle. Mr. Doyle? Mr. Doyle?"  
  
Luka checks the pulse of the unconscious man. "What did he present with?"  
  
"Fractured clavicle. He's Weaver's patient. Absent breath sounds on the left." Malik explains.  
  
"Do a tension numeral. Get a 14 gage needle on an open syringe. Come on let's go."  
  
"BP's 50 palp. Nadine?"  
  
"Yep. Quickly, quickly. Get him on a Pulse-ox. I got it. Okay check the pulse."  
  
"Stronger."  
  
"He's gonna need a chest tube."  
  
"All he had was a broken collar bone."  
  
"Not any more."  
  
"Set at 95."  
  
"Okay give me a ten-blade."  
  
"You'll need me to decompress him?" I ask.  
  
" I'm almost done. Thirty-two French."  
  
"Suction's ready."  
  
"BP's 100 over 50."  
  
Kerry arrives, having heard the commotion, "What's going on?" she asks as Luka walks away to that patient we were supposed to visit together.  
  
"Luka just saved your ass, Kerry. Looks like you missed an occult rib fracture."  
  
"Jeez, I owe him a big one."  
  
"He's a damn good doctor."  
  
"I know. Shame to lose him in the ER."  
  
"Then ask him to stay. You are the chief."  
  
"If he apologizes to Carter I will."  
  
"He won't, he's too stubborn. And he was right too."  
  
"Carter did the right thing. He stuck to the rules."  
  
"They were wrong."  
  
"Sometimes they could be."  
  
Kerry leaves me to ponder on this painful truth.  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------  
The day is over soon, I sadly say goodbye to Luka and I notice is on foot.  
  
"What happened to your Volkswagen?"  
  
"I sold it as my apartment. I bought a new boat. She's a real beauty."  
  
"Where do you live then?"  
  
"In the boat. I might start sailing along the east coast again. I liked that life, no roots, not strings attached, only me and the sea. It's good fore a loner like me."  
  
"Just let me know before you sail away in the sunset, ok?"  
  
"Sure. Listen, why don't you come see my boat? Say tomorrow afternoon."  
  
"Good. How am I supposed to find you? Follow the drain of my bathtub until I reach the lake?"  
  
"Something along those lines. Just meet me at the harbor at four o' clock."  
"I'll be there." 


	6. Sailing away on lake Michigan

-Chapter Six- Sailing away on lake Michigan  
Morgenstein snaps a newspaper on mine and Kerry's face. He has called us for an urgent meeting. On the front page of the paper there' a big picture. Luka's smiling awkwardly, being hugged by the mayor in it. In big, bold letters the title reads 'Mayor Winklemann saved by a bystander doctor.'  
  
"Apparently the mayor was choking and Kovac performed a Heimlich maneuver on him. The press has already called us a hundred times and how am I gonna explain them that the savior of Chicago mayor has been fired, huh?"  
  
"He quit." Kerry points out.  
  
"I don't care. Just rehire him."  
  
I wanna kiss Morgenstein and the mayor! Hell, I'm even loving Kerry now!  
  
"Ok. I'll call him."  
  
This whole issue reminds me of that time Doug was fired but saved a kid from drowning live on TV so that County was forced to hire him back. Who cares now, though? Luka's back!  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------  
A perky Elizabeth meets me on the harbor instead of Luka. She's wearing clingy white pants, a matching vest that exposes generously her breast and a denim shirt. Her wonderful hair is pulled back into a denim cap and a pair of leather sailing shoes complete her perfect outfit. I look self- consciously at me: I'm wearing a baggy pair of pants, old boots and a shapeless parka because I'm afraid it might get pretty windy on the lake. From a wooden, elegant sailboat Luka greets us. "Hi there! I told Elizabeth to come along, Susan!"  
  
I noticed that, Einstein. Elizabeth flashes her charming smile at Luka "Permission to board, captain!"  
  
"Permission granted."  
  
Elizabeth jumps on board with a cat-like move while a struggle not to fall in the water, almost tripping over a rope, a boom, I think it's called. Or maybe not. There must be something called boom on a boat, although I don't have the faintest idea of what it is. I don't know boats, I guess I am a country girl. Elizabeth looks around curiously and lets out an appreciative whistle. "A fine specimen of small clipper you have here. Bet she sails up to fifty knots per hour, Luka."  
  
"Uh-huh." Luka pats proudly the wood of the boat. "I see you know your way around boats, Elizabeth."  
  
"I used to sail with my dad."  
  
"Give me a hand to hoist that sail, will you, then?"  
  
Elizabeth hops about the deck familiarly with British efficiency. I just stand there, feeling stupid and useless. I am actually starting to think I am the proverbial third person of the crowd, since Luka and Elizabeth quite obviously make a perfect company.  
  
"Hey, something wrong, Susan?"  
  
"Err, it's just that I don't know much about boats, Luka. I am a dodo in the water."  
  
"Come here, then. I'll teach you how to helm a boat. It's quite simple really, just like driving a car, only you don't have the pedals and you need a bit more strength. Nothing a woman couldn't handle, though. Women make the best skippers."  
  
He puts my hands firmly on the helm and position himself behind me, his hands over mine. I can feel his heart beat against my back and his warm breath on my neck. Mmm, this feels so good I could stay like this forever. Unfortunately he steps aside but looks at me with proud eyes.  
  
"You're a natural, Susan. Now veer larboard."  
  
What the hell does larboard mean? I just guess, because I have a fifty per cent chance after all. So I simply turn the helm left.  
  
Luka smiles approvingly. I am a lucky gal.  
  
We quickly reach the middle of the lake and it's quite windy there after all. I'm glad I have my unsexy parka now. The wind is horribly messing up my hair, which sticks up my head like it has never seen a brush his whole life now. It blows wildly yet wonderfully through Elizabeth's unruly locks, though. She takes my place at the helm and Luka drags me to the prow of the boat. On a whim I step on the far end of the boat to feel the cold wind on my face. My hair is in a desperate condition so I don't have nothing to lose.  
  
"I am the king of the world!" I cry as I spread my arms.  
  
Luka chuckles "How Leonardo di Caprio of you!"  
  
We sunbathe a little then Elizabeth strips off to a blue swimming suit. She's in great shape, you couldn't tell she had a baby not long ago. I can see Luka agrees with me.  
  
"Are you crazy? You wanna go for a swim? It's cold!"  
  
"Nah, it can't be as cold as the sea of the Orkneys islands."  
  
She jumps into the water with an impeccable swan dive, without raising a single splash of water.  
  
"Come on, it's warm, you chicken shits!"  
  
Luka takes off his clothes and stands in his boxer, looking expectantly at me.  
  
"I don't have a swimming suit."  
  
"You are wearing your underwear, though?"  
  
I am glad I have a black bra and panties. I leave my t-shirt on as well, though.  
  
The water is frigging cold. Elizabeth must be some sort of penguin because she doesn't look cold at all. And it's not like she has this thick layer of fat to isolate her. I am so cold my lips have gone blue. I am glad I am with two ER docs because I feel like I am about to go into hypothermia. I thread about to keep warm. Luka looks like he is into his natural element.  
  
"I was born and raised in a sea town."  
  
We get back on board at last. As Luka hands me a towel I feel really self- conscious because my t-shirt is transparent and clingy to my body from the water, revealing my hardened nipples under the bra. Luka seems to appreciate the sight, though, and looks away abruptly when he notices he's staring.  
  
As we step off to the boat, back to the harbor, I tell Luka " I had a great time."  
  
"Me too." Elizabeth echoes.  
  
"Come back then, and bring Susie along. And Ella, of course."  
  
"Are you really gonna live on the boat?"  
  
"Nah, I guess I'll go back to the hotel I lived in before. The manager lets me stay if I check on his guests from time to time. Mostly drunks that pass out at the bar."  
  
"You're incredible, Luka!" I say.  
  
"We foreigners are allowed to do crazy things, aren't we, Elizabeth?" 


	7. Leave it to Romano

-Chapter Seven- Leave it to Romano  
Susan passes me by, shaking her head with incredulity "Tsk, this is unbelievable."  
  
"What?" I catch up with her.  
  
"Steve Flint just asked me out."  
  
"Steve Flint from radiology?"  
  
"The one and the only. He is so dull!" she exclaims and then does a perfect imitation of the radiologist's professional yet boring voice "Radius and ulna all appear normal. Density in the lower extremity consistent with a foreign body."  
  
"A bullet! That's what it is called!" I burst into laughter. "I have this guy, bleeding to death, waiting to get into an OR and he's taking bloody ages to tell me he has a bullet in his arm!"  
  
"You haven't heard the worst yet. Old Kyason from cardiology asked me out once! I told Flint yes, though. I guess I was bored and didn't have better plans."  
  
"He might turn out to be an interesting lad. Give him the benefit of the doubt at least. And call me next time you're desperate: a girls night-out sounds fun."  
  
"I will, Elizabeth."  
  
"Ok, see you around."  
  
I go up to the surgical floor and I bump into Robert.  
  
"Hi Lizzie!"  
  
"Hi Robert, what are you doing here?"  
  
"I was here for my physical therapy and Morgenstein stuck me babysitting clumsy second-year residents! Do I look like a mother hen to you, Lizzie? He's the new guy on the block, filling in for me as Chief of staff as Anspaugh decides what to do with me and he takes me for a dry nurse!"  
  
"I understood he had that position before you, Robert."  
  
"I wonder why on earth he didn't stay in his cabin up north on the lakes enjoying his retirement. Anyway, you look like you've just gotten off shift, Lizzie."  
  
" I have, Robert. Gotta go take some info on kindergarten because I gotta have to enroll Ella soon."  
  
"If you wanna my opinion, Lizzie, kindergartens are just places full of germs and infective children diseases. I wouldn't wanna poor little Ella in one of those hellish pre-schools."  
  
"Well, it is not like I have any other choice, Robert. Ella can't stay in daycare forever and I am not exactly a stay home mom, in case you haven't noticed."  
  
"They call it progress but it really isn't. Where have gone all those women, those angels of the heart, who stayed home, did the chores and churned out a dozen brats, huh? My mom did that."  
  
"And you are the fruit of that sacrifice? I should thank my absent mother, then."  
  
Romano goes on unperturbed "Of course I don't have eleven brother. I am an only child."  
  
"Thank God for that! One Romano is certainly enough for this world already!"  
  
"I beg to differ, Lizzie. I was just thinking of donating my sperm, you know."  
  
"You having troubles getting laid, Robert?"  
  
"No, just feeling altruistic towards mankind I guess. Maybe cloning would be a better option, though. I don't have any guarantee on the mother's side of the genetic divide, you know."  
  
"Cloning is a gray zone of medical ethics, Robert. You should know better than that, not only because you are a doctor, but just anyone in the field, just simply being a medic you-"  
  
"Tsk, tsk, Lizzie." He shakes his finger in a no gesture. "Calling me a medic you make a 'dick' out of 'me'!"  
  
He zings me, leaving me there, speechless.  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------  
"Hey, watch it Malik!" I say as I dodge just in time to avoid decapitation via Frisbee. Wait, no, that was a bedpan. "What's with flying projectiles in the hallways? I'm sure Kerry would find something against it in the regs."  
  
"Don't tell her, party-pooper!" Carter yells after me, running after the makeshift Frisbee "Go back to surgery, where you belong!"  
  
"Sometimes I think Robert's right and this is just a mental asylum. Can't understand why I like it down here." I say to myself as I watch the young doctor and the black nurse run down the hallway throwing the bedpan to each other.  
  
"Because under your serious surgeon's façade you're a funny girl, Elizabeth." Susan tells me as she blocks me with her arm, saving me from another speedy unidentified object. Chuny swooshes after it on roller blades.  
  
"Thank you, Susan. I just didn't know hall monitor was a part of the job description."  
  
"Hall monitor, warden for the mentally unsound, bearer of bad news--it all kind of comes with the job," Susan explains.  
  
"Run for your life!" I cry as Jerry decides to join the fun and throws a bedpan as well. I duck inside the lounge, closely followed by Susan.  
  
The loud crush of glasses being broken reach us even there.  
  
"Jerry!" Kerry barks.  
  
"Sorry, chief!"  
  
I laugh. "Sometimes I think a slow night is more dangerous than a multiple trauma."  
  
"You betcha."  
  
I retreat to my duller yet safer sanctuary, the OR, to perform a TIPS procedure that will keep me busy for most of my shift. There's some kind of surgical convention in Philadelphia and most of the surgical staff is there. I am the only attending left along with a couple of residents, an intern and three med students who can't do much else than hold a retractor. It means I have a six-people work to do, but I can't complain because I volunteered not to go to stay with Ella. With Robert gone I was swamped already.  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------  
I stare at Luka, who in turn, is staring at Abby. Hey, I feel like I'm stealing Carter's place. It's his job to frown over the Croat doc wearing his eyes out on the pretty nurse. I guess I understand how crappy he felt then. Jealousy is the worst form of that disease called love. Hey, I'm not in love with Luka! Kind of. I have a big crush on him, so? Luka looks at me quizzically before returning his stare to his crosswords. God bless slow days.  
  
"Uhm, you look pretty absorbed into that crosswords, Luka." I say to make some conversation, just to hear that sexy accent of his. Oh God, I'm already so pathetic. He looks at me with his wonderful eyes and I am a goner.  
  
"I learnt most of my English out of these things. Seven letters word for jerk."  
  
"What letter does it begin with?"  
  
"A."  
  
"Asshole." I reply innocently. From behind his crosswords Luka raises a well-trained eyebrow at me.  
"No, that's agitate." He scribbles dutifully the letters down, filling the empty spaces. He's smiling though.  
  
Then he stares off into space and I think I lost him for a moment. I wave my hand right in front of his nose and he doesn't even do as much as blink. I don't know where he is, but I can tell that place is miles from here.  
  
"Luka. Luka? .Earth to Luka."  
  
Startled, Luka shakes his head and looks up. I am standing at the window to the drug lockup, my elbows propped up against the ledge and my hands cupped over my mouth, and I can't help staring at him curiously.  
  
"Rough night?" I say, hoping to sound kind and caring, not nosy and annoying.  
  
Luka lifts his head from where it was resting against the lip of a shelf. There is a faint indentation where the shelf used to be, "Just tired," he lies.  
  
"It's more convincing if you make eye contact," I say blandly, catching his stare on a well-known brunette. He was -still is- in Abby-land.  
  
His face blank, he looks up at me. "What is?"  
  
"Lying."  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"Don't be. Wasn't my place to ask."  
  
"Uhm, listen, Susan. I saw you and Abby got closer lately and I was wondering if you know what's wrong with her. She has this dark face and she's been avoiding me since a couple of days ago. Couldn't corner her yet."  
  
"I don't know if it's to do with this, but I walked in on her and Carter fighting. It wasn't nice. He was angry because she hadn't told him about her getting back to med school."  
  
"I know, we had been talking about it for a while. I even offered to be her mentor and it really threw me off that she took the offer up. Hope Carter isn't mad at her because of that."  
  
"He's a jealous fool but I don't think that's the point. Think he's a hard time in accepting Abby's growing more independent, that's all."  
  
"Thank you, Susan. It was really bugging me."  
  
"I could tell. You still care a lot about her?" I hope he doesn't catch the sad note that escapes my lips.  
  
"Yeah, we've been together for a year. I just want her to be happy and if Carter makes her happy, so be it."  
  
Chuny interrupts us. "Trauma coming in. ETA's three minutes."  
  
We step out in the hallway where Romano is scornfully chasing a young Chinese girl. "Miss Leung go back to that suture room stat! You need to practice your single-handed sutures if you wanna make a decent surgeon! Miss Leung! Miss Leung!"  
  
He flashes an annoyed grin at us "Can't believe I'm babysitting a pouty little girl who hardly looks old enough to have a M. D.! Miss Leung!" he bumps into a large woman "Hurgh! Is this damn place always this crowded?"  
  
"Only when you bestow us with your kind presence!" I yell after him.  
  
Luka and I go outside in the ambulance bay. The ambulance pulls up soon after. Zadro unloads a gurney with a bleeding man on it, who's screaming in pain.  
  
"Forty-four-year-old male, injured at work, a colleague accidentally cut off almost his whole leg. With a saw I think, judging from the ragged borders of the amputation. Four units of O-neg already administered on the field. We shot him up with as much morphine as possible."  
  
The man looks unhealthily pale, so he must have lost a helluva blood. "Coming through!"  
  
We rushes him into Trauma Two "Abby, we need as much O-neg as you can find. He's losing color too fast. And get a surgeon here, stat. It's not like we can do much for him. They've got to stop the bleeding and sew the leg up if they can. Better make it a vascular surgeon."  
  
"You can't be too demanding today, Luka. There's some sort of medical lecture in Philadelphia, Corday is the only one attending available and she's doing a TIPS alone. We have paged her for five consults already and she will be busy for other three hours at least."  
  
"Damn!" I swear "Fifteen mgs of morphine, IV push!"  
  
"Who else is on?"  
  
"A couple of residents but they're all in the ORs as you can imagine it. I think that that Chinese intern is the only one who has some kind of surgical training around."  
  
"She certainly doesn't know her way around an amputated leg. We need a real surgeon."  
  
"I saw Romano chasing Leung before, though."  
  
"He's not supposed to operate. He's got a bad arm, remember?"  
  
"Well, it looks like he is the best shot for this guy, one-handed or not. Get him, Abby!"  
  
Robert enters the room soon afterwards and Chuny helps him gown. God, he can't even dress alone, I doubt he can operate. When he speaks he confirms my fears "Get Carter and Leung here! No wait, don't get Leung, I doubt she could diagnose a cold if it sneezed on her face let alone reattach a leg. I can't do this alone, though, and I understand Carter had some sort of surgical training."  
  
Carter arrive but mumbles "I dropped out of surgery when I was an intern, I doubt I can be of-"  
  
"Shut up, Carter and take that fucking scalpel!" Romano barks and Carter obeys "You're lucky I am ambidextrous. You'll have to be my right-hand man, quite literally."  
  
Carter nods and steps forward. Romano moves slightly the leg and a spurt of blood splashes on his chest. "Looks like we have a pumper. Oh God, I missed the smell of blood!"  
  
I shiver. This guy is so scary.  
  
"Ok, I'll cut along the hip. It's too screwed up to reattach it, we need to amputate. Carter, you'll cut from the other end. Don't press to much, though, you don't wanna rip through his femoral artery, do you? It's all about precision and a gentle touch, that's what surgery comes down to."  
  
"Yeah, it's all slowly coming back to me, Dr. Romano." Carter says as he incises surprisingly firmly the man's skin.  
  
Romano looks him admired for a few seconds before he gets to business himself. "You have a surprisingly firm hand, Dr. Carter, and incise just nicely. Do me a single-handed stitch and I'll have to say you wasted your talent here in this godforsaken ER."  
  
"Ah!" Carter exclaims triumphantly as he completes the incision "Dr. Benton taught me that on my second day here."  
  
"Why does a surgeon mingle with these pill-pushers, then?"  
  
Pill-pushers. Hurgh! My M. D.'s as good as yours!  
  
"I like it in here, what can I say? Lunatics are funny!"  
  
"I prefer my patients asleep, instead, Dr. Carter."  
  
They work silently for a good half an hour. I go about my business but I check on them often. Romano starts suturing an artery but stops in his tracks. He stares at it intensely and I swear he'd scratch his bald head in doubt if he wasn't sterile.  
  
"Is there any chance you can get me a vascular surgeon on the intercom? My vascular anatomy notions are a bit rusty and I wouldn't wanna tie up the wrong arteries."  
  
"I am afraid Dr. Corday is the only other surgeon on. She's doing a TIPS."  
  
"We'll connect that intercom with that OR. Maybe Lizzie's memory is better than mine."  
  
Elizabeth's voice buzzes through the intercom. "Has Shirley gone mad or are you really reattaching an amputated leg in the ER, Robert?"  
  
"Poor Shirley's fine, Lizzie. All the ORs were booked and the surgeons busy so I had to step in."  
  
"And how on earth are you amputating and sewing that leg up with your bad arm?"  
  
"Dr. Carter is helping me. It's a shame he didn't continue his surgical career. He's actually quite good, I suppose Peter knew his business. Anyway, as much as I love chatting with you, Lizzie, I need your help. What do you remember of the upper leg vascular anatomy?"  
  
"Just that only the neck one is worse. There's a bloody lot of veins."  
  
"Bloody is the exact adjective, Lizzie. Think a bit harder please."  
  
"Well, there must be the femoral artery, that goes without saying, three smaller ones that go up to the kidneys, a big vein about mid-thigh, two more arteries in the back and a smaller vein behind them. That's it I think. You're lucky I have a photographic memory, Robert. That page of my anatomy volume's pretty clear in my mind."  
  
"Thank you Lizzie. You forgot just one. I wouldn't wanna risk tying up some small vein I had missed."  
  
"God luck. I'll get down there as soon as I can."  
  
"Rocket Romano doesn't need luck!"  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------  
As soon as I can I leave Edson to finish up the TIPS and I rush into Trauma Two. Carter seems very relieved to see me.  
  
"Lizzie! How kind of you to join us!" Robert greets me with a smile but I can tell he's tired. He's not in the best physical shape and this kind of operations can last pretty long. Carter gladly steps aside and I join Robert.  
  
"Care to jump in the fun, Lizzie? Looks like you missed the best part, though."  
  
"I can see you enjoyed yourself. Must be a nice break from your supervising duties."  
  
"My torture, you mean. I'm not cut out for a teaching position. That or all the students of Chicago university aren't cut out for medical training."  
  
"Luckily you'll be back to your old stomping ground soon, Robert."  
  
"It seems that Dr. Romano did that a lot sooner that I had planned to let him, Elizabeth." Anspaugh said. "I've just come back from Philly. I can't leave you alone a minute that you get the hospital into troubles, Robert. You know you're not covered by the hospital insurance to operate for the time being. What if the patient sues?"  
  
"I don't see him complaining." Robert snaps, pointing to the anesthetized man.  
  
"I can take it form here, Robert."  
  
Robert stomps aside and throws the gown and gloves angrily away. "Sure. I'm sorry you missed all the fun, though. You weren't here to have this man bleed to death on you."  
  
He storms outside the trauma room.  
  
"God job, by the way, Robert." Anspaugh's words are lost on him. 


	8. I'll be home for Easter

-Chapter Eight- I'll be home for Easter  
I am on my well-deserved break, sitting in a hallway, holding a Styrofoam cup with my Starbuck mocachino. This is so much better that that rubbish we call coffee for lack of a better word here at the hospital. You get used to everything, though, survival is very powerful. Going to Starbuck has its drawbacks, though: I had to diagnose three annoying people while waiting in line. I should know better than going to Starbuck with my lab-coat. Mark stopped wearing scrubs on his way to work because he was sick of giving medical opinions waiting for his breakfast. Anyway this coffee is well worth the trouble. I wince when a small black toddler swooshes down the always and land on my lap, almost spilling the precious contents of my mug. I hold the Styrofoam cup safely up in the air as I steady the little boy who looks at me without saying a word.  
  
"Hey, kiddo, what's up?"  
  
He blinks but remains silent. He's so cute, makes me wanna kiss him all over.  
  
"Are you lost? Where are mommy and daddy?"  
  
Still no answer. He looks familiar, though.  
  
"Reese! Reese! Where are you?"  
  
A familiar voice echoes in the hallway. Peter Benton appears from the corner.  
  
"He's over here," I call out.  
  
Peter Benton suppresses a sigh of relief as he comes upon his son, now starting to snuggle on my lap. Although I think he rationally knew Reese couldn't hear him, that hasn't stopped him from calling his name when he's disappeared.  
  
"I put him down, turned around for a second, and the next thing I knew he was gone."  
"Yeah, little kids are fast on their feet."  
  
"They really are."  
  
"So what are you doing here, Peter?"  
  
"There was this lecture by Dr. Emily Swanson, a children psychologist who specializes in deaf kids developmental issues. She's opening a special school for deaf kids here in Chicago and I'm thinking of sending Reese there. I wanted to drop by and say hello, of course."  
  
"What? I mean, you're moving back from Schaumburg, Peter?"  
  
"Yeah, I'm seriously thinking about that."  
  
"What about Cleo?"  
  
"We broke up five months ago."  
  
"Oh. I hope you'll get a position here at County, Peter. We're down a surgeon after all with Romano out of the picture, you know."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"He injured his arm because he stood too close to a rotor of a helicopter. Chop, chop."  
  
"I'm sorry for him. I can't imagine not being able to operate."  
  
"It's just a temporary thing, hopefully. He's a surgical resident's supervisor. Can you imagine that?"  
  
Peter laughs. "Is Elizabeth on?"  
  
I nod and watch my old friend going up to the surgical floor. I hope he'll be back here because I miss the good ol' times very much.  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------  
I'm in the middle of this complicate procedure when I hear the doors of the OR open. There are already enough residents and med students here. Not that I don't mind an audience, but enough is enough.  
  
"It's a standing room only, and we are crowded enough already. I'm afraid there's no room for one more."  
  
"Not even for me, Elizabeth?"  
  
"Peter!" I fight the impulse to hug him because I am sterile.  
  
"It's good to see you, Elizabeth."  
  
"Peter! What are you doing here? I'm still waiting for your last e-mail, you know? Hope you've gotten over Finch at last. I never liked her much, too stiff if you ask me. I've seen old British tossels more in touch with their emotions than that robot of a woman and that's saying something."  
  
Peter clears his throat awkwardly. I know he hates discussing his private life in public but I love to tease him.  
  
"Uhm, I was here to check on a special school for Reese. I might move back to Chicago soon."  
  
"That's wonderful news, Peter! We have an opening here at County. I'm sure Morgenstern will be delighted to hire you back, Peter."  
  
"Morgenstern?"  
  
"Yeah, he's temporary filling in for chief of staff for Romano. Anspaugh pulled him out of retirement. Robert is on a leave of absence."  
  
"I know, Susan told me. Bet you are enjoying your deserved peace, huh?"  
  
"I must confess that I miss al little bit Robert's snarky humor, it kept me awake through double shifts."  
  
"Well, I'll go see Morgenstern right away."  
  
"Perfect. You know your way Peter. See you soon."  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------  
Peter is back about an hour later, as I exit the OR. It feels so good to hug him at last.  
  
"So?"  
  
"Morgenstern hired me. I won't work nights and weekends, though. I don't wanna break Reese's routine."  
  
"You have all the fortunes, don't you? Where's little Reese, huh?"  
  
"Playing with Shirley. So, what time are you off?"  
  
"Actually I am pulling a double." I didn't want to be home alone, not today of all days.  
  
"Come on, get someone to cover for you. I wanna take you out to dinner."  
  
"Ok. Hicks owes me a favor."  
  
Angela agrees to take my shift. She welcomes Peter warmly. Those two are quite a pair.  
  
"So where are we going to celebrate your homecoming, Peter?"  
  
"Everywhere is fine for me, except Doc Magoo's. That's definitely something I didn't miss. I have a little problem, though. I don't know where to leave Reese."  
  
"My nanny can watch him and Ella. I'm afraid she doesn't know how to sign, though."  
  
"No problem. Reese learnt lip-reading pretty soon."  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------  
Peter and I are sitting in this small Arab diner. I am eating a tasty kebab while he is eating some rabbit food, his usual health nut meal. This place might not be the best restaurant in town but it's cozy and the food is good; plus I am with one of my best friends so this is enough for me. We laugh madly, filling each other on the latest news and remembering the good ol' times. Being with peter is wonderful. I missed him so much, being his friend is one of the most comfortable relationship for me. And we were the best when we were together. Too bad we're history. Can't wait to be back together in a man's chest to our elbows. We were quite a team. As Americans say, we rocked. Look like my wish will come true sooner than I expected. Since we're short- handed his first shift is tomorrow already. I offer Peter and Reese to stay with me until he finds a place of his own. I'm glad he takes up my offer, because my house is too big for me and Ella only, especially today. It's my wedding anniversary and I think Peter remembered it, that's why he was so adamant to take me out. It's really sweet of him. But then, this is what being friends means, isn't it?  
  
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I walk down the ER, and the sight of Peter ruling out an appy comes as startling yet comfortably familiar to me. Everything old is new again, you could say.  
  
"Good morning, Susan!" Haleh cheerfully greets me, singing softly a gospel hymn with her amazing voice.  
  
"What's it to be so happy about? You glad Peter's back, huh?"  
  
"Yeah, although his crappy attitude to nurses hasn't changed. The reason why I am so happy is we received new meat today. Med students, cute young scut puppies for us nurses! God bless them!"  
  
I laugh as she hands a bunch of young and innocent med students some charts, lining them up like little, brave soldiers.  
  
"Follow me, children!"  
  
I can't stop laughing. One of them suddenly stops, causing the rest of them to bump painfully into each other. They're so clueless! They remind me of Carter when I first met him. So young, cute and clumsy. A real klutz.  
  
"Yo! Dr. B!" a young black student calls out.  
  
"Hi William!" Benton replies, greeting him with that thing with his hand, kind of lightly punching the kid's fist. I guess that's the tough guys' hello.  
  
"Starting your ER rotation already?"  
  
"Yes, sir."  
  
"Don't sir me, man. Can I steal him from you, Haleh?"  
  
"Go ahead, Peter. I have plenty of other helpful babies here."  
  
"Who's in charge today, Susan?"  
  
"Weaver's off so Carter's the man." There's always an attending running the board. Usually it's Weaver.  
  
"You seen him?"  
  
"No. Must be with a patient."  
  
Malik comes up and almost decapitates the poor kid with a rocketing b-ball directed to Carter, who's getting out of Exam Two in this very moment, and, though he has a short stubble on his chin and looks tired from his double shift, catches the ball promptly.  
  
William stares oddly at Malik.  
  
"What's up, bro?"  
  
"It's just that I haven't seen a brother in pink scrubs before. And do you often shoot hoops in here?"  
  
"Only when Carter's in charge. You're gonna get an education with him, you'll see."  
  
"Carter!" Benton calls out.  
  
"Yes, Peter?"  
  
"Meet William White, a third year. He's my student."  
  
"Your student." Carter repeats a bit sarcastically.  
  
"Yeah, not technically."  
  
William stares at Carter and a flash of recognition flicker in his eyes. "You're the one on the intercom! You were doing the amputation."  
  
"What?"  
  
"On my first visit here. The day that there was that big accident."  
  
"Anyway," Benton interrupts him "I want you to keep an eye on him, Carter. Don't let Haleh or any of the nurses boss him around. And don't keep him running samples to the lab all day long. I want him to see some real action and maybe take a little part in it. This is what the ER rotation is supposed to be about."  
  
"Got it. White, come with me."  
  
Peter walks away and I find myself walking behind Carter and the student on my way to Curtain Three. Carter shows him the suture room.  
  
"You know how to do stitches?"  
  
"Yup, I interned at the Pedes Clinic this summer."  
  
"Good. There's the lidocain, don't forget to ask if they're allergic to it. They might know it as Novocain."  
  
"I know."  
  
"You're on your own then. As they say around here, glove up and dig in, White."  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------  
Later I find poor William doing a H&H on a bipolar. Hopeless situation, really.  
  
"Did I tell you my boyfriend's a firefighter?" the young girl tells him, surely for the umpteenth time.  
  
"Six times already, Sylvia." William replies kindly yet desperately. He's gonna lose it soon. "I was asking you if you are pregnant."  
  
"My Jamey is so hot in that Chicago Fire Department uniform." She punctually ignored him.  
  
William sighs.  
  
"What did you do to Carter to get him to stick you with a bipolar, huh?"  
  
"Dunno, I think he has it in for me, Dr. Lewis."  
  
"Nah, he's just in a crappy mood because he's pulling a double, probably. Carter's a good fellow. Watch me, I'll teach you a little trick."  
  
He nods.  
  
"So, your Jamey's hot, huh? Bet you had sex already. Must be difficult to resist the temptation."  
  
"Uh-huh"  
  
"When last?"  
  
"Valentine's day."  
  
"Very romantic. What about your period?"  
  
"The week before that."  
  
"Well, what you have here is a pregnant patient, Mr. White. Order a pregnancy test to confirm it and get her back on lithium."  
  
"Thank you Dr. Lewis. I didn't think about getting her to talk about he sexual life. Not that there are many topics she hasn't touched already."  
  
"It all comes with the experience. Anytime, William."  
  
Lily taps me on the shoulder " Incoming trauma, Dr. Lewis."  
  
"Have you been in a trauma already, William?"  
  
"No, Dr. Carter and I have been talking about that, though."  
  
"Come with me, then."  
  
The paramedics wheel in a young girl followed by her worried parents.  
  
"Sixteen year old unconscious, history of glucyna coma."  
  
"She was doing fine until six months ago." The mother says desperately.  
  
"What medication is she on?"  
  
"Emphrasylim, tobramysim, vitamins A, D and K."  
  
"So what do you see, William?"  
  
"The skin's jaundiced."  
  
"Good. Same with sclera, does her breath smell sweet?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Any diagnoses, William?"  
  
"Uhm, the liver's shut down, maybe?"  
  
"Good catch. Just be a bit more assertive. Let's dip her urine. Set lactolose, 30 ccs per mg. Blood doesn't seem to clot."  
  
"She's bleeding inside?"  
  
"The liver failure is causing her blood not to clot."  
  
"Is she on the transplant list?"  
  
"She's been status 2a for six months but they haven't been able to find her a match."  
  
"I am afraid we can't do much more than stabilize her. William, why don't you walk Mr. and Mrs. Flockhart outside?"  
  
I do everything I can for the girl and then I step outside when another gurney pushes me back inside.  
  
"Whoa! Watch that, Doris!"  
  
"GSW to left upper chest. Two IV's of saline in the field. BP 100 over 60, pulse 110, two liters of saline by mass." That's her only answer.  
  
"Okay, let's go. One, two, three. William, get your buddy Benton here and Carter too."  
  
"Let's get her clothes off."  
  
Entering the trauma room Carter asks "What have we got?"  
  
"Gunshot wound to the chest."  
  
"Alright, CBC, electrolytes, type and cross match four units and abort a radiographic chest."  
  
"CBC?" William asks me. He probably doesn't know half of the long string of tests Carter's just ordered.  
  
"Complete blood count." Carter spits back annoyed.  
  
"Run a liter of saline and a gram of kefolex in. The trikia is midline, no injectalivines distention."  
  
"Strong radial pulse, subclavines in tact."  
  
"Pulse ox is 92 on fifteen liters."  
  
"BP 95 palp."  
  
Peter arrives just then. "So, let's move people, what have we got?"  
  
"Why don't you give him the bullet William?"  
  
The kid squirms and clears his throat. Carter's devilish. "GSW to left upper chest, no injectalivines distention. Strong radial pulse, subclavines intact. Pulse ox is 92 on fifteen liters. BP 95 palp. Is that it?" he asks hesitantly.  
  
"Yup, good work, William."  
  
Peter gets immediately to business. "Diminished breath sounds on the left. She'll need a chest tube. Susan, would you intubate please?"  
  
"Let White do that."  
  
Carter's in for a baptism of fire for that poor student.  
  
"It's too early for that, Carter." Peter protests.  
  
"Don't worry, I'll talk him through it. He's already seen quite a few. See one, do one, teach one. White, you'll need a number A ET tube and suction. Ok, now visualize the chords. Pay attention before you slide down the tube, you don't wanna put it into the esophagus, really."  
  
William sweats copiously as he squints his eyes. Poor kid, I feel bad for him. "I can't see it, Dr. Carter. Sorry, I can't."  
  
Carter snatches the tube abruptly from him and swiftly intubates the patient. He's kind of irritated. Can't see why he should be. I mean, if he didn't want William to mess up in front of Benton, 'cause a student reflects on his teacher, he shouldn't have let him intubate in the first place.  
  
"One percent lidocain."  
  
"Okay, I'm in. Let's bag her."  
  
The fun is over soon. As we step outside the trauma room I overhear Benton scold Carter, like he used to when he was his student.  
  
"Shouldn't have let you embarrass the kid in that trauma."  
  
"Oh come on, he's here to learn not to pay attention to poor figures!"  
  
"Exactly, you have to teach him things, not help him make a fool of himself in front of everyone!"  
  
"Like everybody cared! You told me to make him see some action!"  
  
"I meant it to be a gradual thing!"  
  
"Ok, sorry Peter."  
  
Benton walks away and Carter shakes his head.  
  
William tries to apologize "Look, Dr. Carter I am sorry about-"  
"Shut up, White! You have blood all over your shirt." He says before going into the men room.  
William follows him and leaves the door open so I can hear the rest of the exchange.  
Carter is splashing cold water on his face. William looks sadly at his ruined shirt and he tries to wipe the blood off it as he unties his tie. He'll learn soon you need to put it in hot water right away, otherwise you can throw it all away.  
"You can wear scrubs around here, White." Carter says a bit more friendly. "Lots of doctors do."  
"I prefer not to, Dr. Carter. I'd rather look smart with patients."  
"Oh man, you're so professional. No wonder Benton adores you."  
"Look, about Dr. Benton, I know he asked you to treat me well but I'm here to do everything you need me to do. I mean, I was expecting to do a lot more scut work, run labs, do rectals and stuff."  
"There's no one here who'd like you to receive some of Haleh's treatment more than me, White, but I know better than ignore Benton's orders."  
Carter walks away and so do I. 


	9. Day for White

-Chapter Nine- Day for White  
Another day in the ER. I am stuck with the graveyard but I am happy because tomorrow's Susie's birthday and I'm throwing a surprise party for her. Gotta love them if you work here. The only one I missed was my own farewell. There was this big cake shaped like a cactus. Very nice, really. Too bad a trauma came in and I snuck out without having the chance to tell anyone. I hate goodbyes. A paramedic rushes in font of me. I grab William. "What's the bullet?" "Twenty-seven year old woman, altered level of consciousness, no evidence of trauma. Her husband brought her in." "Mr. Tureen, I'm Dr. Lewis. I'm going to be taking care of your wife." The man's falling to pieces "I don't know what happened. Last night she was fine, but I couldn't wake her up this morning." "Ok, William, the ball's in your court." "Uhm, Err. Could she have hit her head somehow?" "I don't think so." "Did she complain earlier about having a headache? Fever? Nausea?" "No, nothing. She was fine." "Head and lungs are normal. That's good. She's not having any trouble breathing. Pupils are mid positioned and fixed. Corneal reflexes still in tact. That's good." We check the young woman's condition. "We'll need to have a look at her head CT before we can say anything, Mr. Tureen." "Just do everything that you can. I have a really good insurance." We leave the woman as she goes to have her CT done. There's a lot of people needing sutures today. Why people don't pay more attention, say, when they open cans or work on their DIY? William is already in the suture room, busy with a weeping girl. My patient is an unconscious tramp who, by the looks of it, is very drunk. He has lots of green bottle glass fragments in his scalp. Looks like one of his buddies used him as a human tin opener. William's girl can't stop sniffing and crying. She's a drag. "It's a very minor cut, miss." William tries to reassure her. "It's not the cut!" she wines "I got home early and caught my boyfriend in bed with another woman! I wanted to throw him a plate but I dropped it on my foot instead." "Oh. I am sorry, miss. His loss, though." She keeps crying him a river. "Miss, look that young man over there." I watch his finger and see Carter trying to do a juggler's trick with three drug vials. He's crushed two already and he blows his hair off his eyes. He looks ridiculous. "He is a West Wing fan. See, there's always someone worse than you." She laughs through her tears. "Do you love him?" William asks seriously. "No, I could never love a West Wing fan!" William laughs, "You made a joke in the middle of your tragedy. That's very positive!" William has a way with people. Maybe Carter transmits his excellent bedside manners to his students. He certainly didn't get that from Benton. Haleh tells me that Mrs. Tureen's CT is back. William and I excuse ourselves from our patients and go talk to Mr. Tureen. He's stroking lovingly his wife's cheek. "Mr. Tureen? The CT confirms your wife suffered from stem brain infarction. I'm sorry to tell you she'll never wake up." "What? That's impossible, she was in perfect health!"  
  
"This kind of things can happen to anyone. It could be congenital."  
  
Right on cue, Mrs. Tureen stirs and blinks. Oh my God, she's waking up! This is a miracle!  
  
"See? Told you she's as sound as a bell!"  
  
I grab the CT and go looking for Carter. I need a second opinion. "Carter, take a look at this. Woman came in comatose, diagnosed with stem bleed infarction. She has just waken up on me."  
  
"Wow! Hot stuff. Let me see.uhm, ah-ah! See that, Susan?"  
  
"This little shmutz?" "It could be a warning leak from an aneurysm, trickled down and caused her brain stem to swell." "Should I do an LP?" "No, it would be a waste of time. Let's get an MRI right away, okay? I'm surprised you missed it though. I mean, even the best can make mistakes but even White could have spotted this." "The Pope is a lonely man." "What?" "Now that I am not infallible anymore. You really don't like White, huh?" "No, it's just that I don't think it's fair to treat him any different that all my other students. Benton doesn't agree with me." "I sense a little jealousy here." "What? Of Benton? Are you kidding me, Susan?" "No, I mean you were his student, he gave you a lot of crap and now he is a bundle of open arms with the new kid on the block. I'd understand if you felt betrayed." "Betrayal, jealousy, you're making it look like Benton and I have a love affair! Cut the crap, Susan!"  
  
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I look around the hospital cafeteria, tray in hand, looking for a place to eat my lunch. I would have gone to Magoo's but the Public Health Office actually made it shut down yesterday. For failure to meet ministerial criteria for hygiene. Hurgh, I ate there for years. I look at my burger and suddenly I am no longer hungry. Finally I see there's a free seat at Peter and Elizabeth and Hicks's table. I join them. "Mind if I seat?" "No, Susan, please, go on." Hicks is on the phone and waves me hello. Elizabeth is eating some pasta while Peter doesn't seem the least interested in his lunch. Can't blame him if he keeps eating that health nutso stuff, salad and all that. He'll turn in a rabbit soon. The food is not a problem, though, he's just very absorbed in reading something. "What's so interesting to skip lunch, Peter?" "Carter's pre-assessment of White. He'll turn his final evaluation in three weeks." He replies laconically as usual. Talking with Peter actually makes me feel like I am taking out a foreign inhaled body from a human nose. Guess it expresses the difficulty of the process. "And that is." "Strict but fair I guess." "Come on, what does it say?" "It's really confidential information." "Oh, Peter! We're dying to know what a unbiased party thinks of your wonder student." Angela Hicks prods him. I like her, she is matter-of-fact and has a sense of humor, which is a quality most of surgeons lack. "From what you say, Peter, he can intubate a man with, say, this straw and the plastic knife of the cafeteria cutlery." She says raising the aforementioned objects. "You're exaggerating, Angela. Anyway, here it goes 'Good diagnostic skills, superior bedside manners, quick learner, though he still lacks some assertiveness. Overall a superior than average candidate. Will improve a lot throughout training.' That's it." "It's more than what you usually say, your pre-assessments are no longer than five words. 'Average, will improve throughout training.' Hell, for Carter final evaluation you just wrote ' Superior diagnostic skills, excellent bedside manners, quick leaner. Recommend high honors.' Something along those lines. And I remember it just because it was like a long praising rigmarole coming from you, Peter. And Carter still is your best student." Hicks says. "White's a promising heir to that title." I say. I like the kid a lot. Peter, who's being his usual laconic self, just nods. "I think Carter isn't liking your new teaching approach much, though. It indisposes him towards William and that's bad. You should talk to him, Peter." "What?" "In my opinion he feels like you're unreasonably favoring the kid." "Well, I am not. I simply thought that just because everyone keeps treating med student like slaves we do not have to do that. I mean, my residents treated me like a scut puppy at their beck and call, and I don't think my learning benefited from that. Why do not change the tradition if it's wrong?" "My sentiments exactly." Elizabeth interjects "You don't know what kind of bloody treatment those old tossels reserve to medical students in England, especially if they are women. I am afraid sexual prejudices are a lot more common in old Europe than they are here." "I agree, Peter," I say "I just think you should explain your reasons to Carter, that's all." "I don't have to justify myself with anyone. Carter'd better grow up and get used to it." My pagers goes off. "Looks like they're bleeping you, Susan." Elizabeth says in this very English way of hers. "It's the ER. Gotta go, bye."  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------  
I look around for William. I have a rectal exam for him to do. I find him talking to the nurses. Haleh's telling them something and, from the looks of it, it must be really interesting. ". anyway we found out who he was just when his pager rang in the middle of the trauma because we were beeping him. We still don't know if he jumped on purpose in front of that train or if he fell. Carter was pretty shook. He was his roommate." "Wow. I thought that this kind of things were just urban legends." "No it happened for real. The kid's name was Dennis but I can't remember the last name." "Check it out on the Tribe site if you wanna, bro." Malik tells him before leaving. "Story time's over." I say "Rectal for you in Exam One, William." "Hurgh! Shit!" he grimaces. "Yeah, quite literally." I quip. He follows me reluctantly. "Yosh was gonna tell me about that med student who was stabbed. That must have bee a cool-" "It wasn't cool" I can't help shut him up quite brusquely "She was Carter's student and she died. That psycho stabbed Carter too and he suffered from pretty bad injuries himself. You know those back pains he has from time to time? It's from that incident." Not to mention his addiction, which I'm sure he wouldn't like me to tell anyone about. "Oh. I didn't know about it. Sorry, Dr. Lewis." "You're gonna see a lot of bad things around here, William, and you're not gonna like them a bit. The ER isn't exactly the safest workplace around." He stomps off to Exam One with a pensive look on his face. 


	10. The surprise birthday party

-Chapter Ten- The surprise birthday party  
This is it. Today's the big day. Susie's birthday. I spent so much time organizing this surprise party. Gotta love them here in the ER, 'cause there's one every two weeks. Luckily Luka helped me a lot for this one, though. We decided to do it here in the ER because this is where she'd expect it the least. My dad's gonna bring her here soon. We'll all hide in the lounge and bam! When she enters we'll scream "Surprise!". I'm sure she'll love it. She adores surprises, Christmas gifts, unexpected visits, and stuff. Hell, she doesn't even mind surprise tests at school! Even Joe flew in this morning. Susie hasn't seen him since the mess in NYC, so I think she'll be very pleased to se him. I asked Elizabeth to bring Ella and Peter to bring Reese. They'll be the only children, Susie's gonna have a normal party with all her friends tomorrow.  
Lydia rushes towards me "She's here, she's here!"  
  
Luka drags me into the lounge, where all the other people already are. Elizabeth is trying to shush Ella who is all excited by the commotion. Joe stands alone in a corner because he doesn't know anyone. Luka is next to me, holding a blown glove like a balloon. He looks a bit foolish but very, very cute. There's a festoon saying ' Happy birthday Susie!' and a huge cake ( I know someone from Oncology will show up to grab a slice of the cake so I thought, what the hell, and I bought the largest one I could find). Someone turns off the light and it's dark all of a sudden. I can hear Lydia briskly shushing people and I instinctively reach for Luka's hand. It's not like I'm afraid of darkness, still.Luka squeezes back and the next thing I know we're kissing. This is our second kiss and it's a lot more passionate and long than the first one. We pull away a fraction of second before the lights are turned on. As everyone else yells "Surprise!" we look at each other a bit stupidly, smiling from ear to ear.  
  
Everyone cheers and tell my niece good birthday. She looks on cloud number nine, with her big eyes all shiny. She hugs me "A surprise party, auntie Susan! Cool!" Luka made me the biggest surprise, though. Then she blows out the candles on the cake, not before making her wish. As she does so she looks oddly at me and Luka and I know what her wish is. Let's just say that I hope her wish will come true as well. I help her cut the cake and, as I predicted, what can I say? I'm always right, people from all the wards show up and the cake is finished soon. God, people really are pigs in this hospital.  
  
The party is over soon and I wave goodbye to Susie who leaves with Joe. I am finally alone with Luka. We need to talk.  
  
I clear my throat and I know I'm blushing. "Listen, Luka, look, I, uhm." My ears are burning and I must be as red as a beetroot. I wish I was black right now, they don't blush or at least you can't tell. "I, err, I-I am not good at.uhm."  
  
"Constructing sentences?"  
  
I laugh nervously "I need to talk to you about that thing from before."  
  
"What thing?"  
  
"Uhm, the kiss." I whisper almost inaudibly.  
  
"What?" he asks leaning closer to hear better.  
  
"The kiss." I repeat just slightly louder.  
  
He leans again and brushes his lips on mine. "Like this?"  
  
"Luka, are you crazy? What if someone sees us?"  
  
"If kissing around here was forbidden, Kerry would have already fired Carter and Abby by now."  
  
"This is different!"  
  
"How?"  
  
"We weren't dating last time I checked!"  
  
"Are you whishing we would?"  
  
"Luka, I-"  
  
Shit! Kerry interrupts us.  
  
"Susan? I need to talk to you, now."  
  
Our little magic moment's gone. I follow her reluctantly.  
  
"Listen, Susan, I need you to do me a favor. Morgenstern has just called a staff meeting and I can't go because I have already made plans for dinner that can't be put off. Mlungisi, I don't know if you remember him, is an old friend of mine and is in town but wont be able to stay long. Anyway, I need you to fill in for me at the meeting. Sorry for the short notice, I hope you won't have problem finding someone to look after Susie."  
What? She interrupted my nearly declaration of love to Luka so that she can have a romantic dinner with her African stallion? Unbelievable!  
  
I sigh "No prob. She's with a friend. Ok I'll go, I just need to talk with- "  
  
"No, you need to go now. It's already starting."  
  
As the doors of the elevator closes on me I catch a glimpse of Luka looking at me in a way I cant quite decipher.  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------  
"Hold the elevator!"  
  
I do as I am told and Elizabeth rushes into the elevator.  
  
"Hi Susan. Oh my god, it's so bloody late! That colostomy lasted longer than I thought."  
  
"Can't wait to get home to your little one, huh?"  
  
"No, I mean yes. It's just that I am having dinner with Luka."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"He's been acting strangely lately. Calls me down to the ER for the silliest reasons. And he keeps telling me he has to tell me something important but chickens out every bloody time. I often catch him staring into space with this idiotic face. I reckon he's in love. What do you think?"  
  
"Uhm , it could be. I dunno."  
  
"I hope he'll tell me about it this time. The location is perfect."  
  
"Where is he taking you?"  
  
"Cruise on the lake. I've never been on that before. Romantic don't you think?"  
  
She whizzes out of the elevator without waiting for my response.  
Upcoming Damage is done now.review if you want it up sooner! 


	11. Damage is done now

-Chapter Eleven- Damage is done now  
"Susan! Susan! Randi, have you seen Lewis?"  
  
Oh God, not Weaver, not now! I've just been puked, spat and peed on by two different patients in, what, ten minutes and one of Kerry's tirades isn't really what I need now. I dodge in the lounge, hoping Randi is telling her aliens have abducted me. Oh-oh, bad idea: Luka and Elizabeth are here giggling like two stupid teenagers in love. The new ER couple isn't something I can stand right now so I retreat tactically. Hell, even Kerry is better that that crap. They have been acting weirdly for the last week, conspiring and whispering in each other' s ear all the time. Hurgh, makes me wanna puke. They are attached at the hip. Every time I see them it feels like someone is stabbing me. I see Kerry approaching me and I put on a brave little soldier expression on my face.  
  
"Kerry, are you looking for me?"  
  
"Actually yes. Listen, I need to talk to you, privately. Can we go into the lounge?"  
  
"Err, no, there are Elizabeth and Luka there. The drug lockup is better."  
  
"Jeez, those two are glued together lately. Have you noticed?"  
  
I have, Kerry, I fucking have. "So, what do you need to tell me?"  
  
She fidgets with her hands awkwardly, almost shyly. Usually Kerry is very outspoken, I wonder what this is about. She clears her throat and whispers, raising the volume of her voice as she speaks "Uhm, this is confidential information, Susan, I haven't told anyone yet, so I hope you'll be discreet. Anyway, Sandy and I have decided to give another shot at motherhood after all and I am, err, pregnant. Fourteen weeks at the moment. Since my history I have decided that I need to cutback on my hours and rest more."  
  
I nod "Of course, I understand, Kerry. I am so happy for you both. Congratulations." I am glad for real, I feel sympathetic with my boss for once.  
  
"Don't jinx us, Susan." She replies sarcastically. I can see she cares about this baby so much. "Anyway, the problem is I can't carry the load of being Chief of the Emergency services anymore. I'm asking you to be Acting Chief of the Emergency services until my return from maternity leave. Robert is fine with that and it won't be long, six months at the latest. I'm asking you as a personal favor, there's no one else up to the job. Luka has never been interested in power positions and lacks the assertiveness required, Carter is too green and Chen isn't the best candidate after the mess she did when she was chief resident. So I-"  
  
"Don't worry, Kerry. I'm glad to be able to help you."  
  
She smiles warmly and gratefully. Oh my gosh, I'm experiencing my first Kerry-Weaver-the-human-being-as-opposed-to-the-heartless-all-business-boss! Cool! Acting Chief of Emergency services. This sounds good. My power-trip could turn out to be quite an interesting experience after all. I walk out of the drug lockup whistling cheerfully, I refrain from singing because I'm so tuneless, only to bump into Luka tenderly leaning into Elizabeth to whisper God knows what cheesy compliment in her ear. He actually has the nerve of looking at me as he do so. Schmuck! So much for my perky mood.  
  
Romano is the next person I spot. Great. Out of the frying pan into the fire.  
  
"Tsk, tsk, tsk, look who's coming my way!" he cheerfully exclaims "Here she comes, Susan Lewis, our gracious new Acting Chief of Emergency services!"  
  
"Hi Robert. Guess Kerry told you I accepted."  
  
"No, she didn't, but I saw her ecstatic face as she was on the phone, probably with that tough firefighters of hers. Good to have you with us, the heartless bureaucrats!"  
  
"Oh yeah, I feel so heartless as of late, Robert." Yup, I definitely wouldn't have any scruple nor second-thoughts in killing off those two Eurodocs.  
  
"Well, let me take you to the first test for your remorseless bureaucrat conscience, Susan! Anspaugh planned a meeting to introduce you to the mixed blessings of public health management. David Morgenstern has called in sick, so I am back to my old stomping grounds, even for a day only. Upsy you go!" he says as he pushes me in an elevator.  
  
The meeting is boring to death. Really. I think I am gonna be the first case of human auto-combustion ever medically observed. That or I am going to end up bored to death, quite literally. I squint my eyes and focus on Donald's face but his words all blur into a monotonous stream and my brain automatically tunes them out after a while. I feel my eyelids getting heavier and heavier so I try to concentrate on something to keep myself awake. Ok. Let's try with all the steps of a thoracotomy. Nothing. It doesn't work. Right then Robert comes to my rescue. He's sitting next to Anspaugh but he pushes himself backwards so that the surgeon can't see him. Then he starts to do all sort of funny faces behind Donald's back. I struggle to keep my face straight but it's so damn hard. I see Robert's having fun. And so am I. I'm gonna burst out into laughter soon if he doesn't stop it. I try to hold my breath and as I result I go as red as a beetroot. Donald raises an eyebrow quizzically at me. He must be thinking I am having some sort of seizures. That or I am experiencing muscular spasms. Possible diagnosis comprehends cancer too. Donald turns to his side and Robert stops in his track and scratches his head nonchalantly. He's got a damn nerve!  
  
"Well, I think that's all. Do you have any doubts or questions, Dr. Lewis?"  
  
I take a deep breath to try and get my breathing back to normal and as I do so a small chuckle still escapes my lips. Damn Robert!  
  
"I am pleased to see that you found my introduction picture actually funny, Dr. Lewis. I thought I had been a bit too long perhaps but evidently you liked the speech just fine."  
  
"I found it very interesting as well, Dr. Anspaugh. Enlightening really."  
  
"Good. You can all go then. Let me tell you one more time that we all think you're a great add to our team, Susan. And please call me Donald. We are all on a first name basis, here."  
  
"Thank you, Donald."  
  
As we exit the room Robert gallantly keeps the door open for me. "You are pure devil, Robert!"  
  
"Oh come on, you looked like you needed a bit of a cheer up!"  
  
"Yeah, but I definitely didn't need to make a fool of me in front of Anspaugh!"  
  
"No one found his little speech more interesting than you, you pleased him very much. Don't worry, Susan."  
  
"If you say so."  
  
"Listen, do you know by any chance if Elizabeth is still on tonight?"  
  
"Nope. She went already home. Told me she had plans for dinner."  
  
"No. Don't tell me. Let me guess, with-"  
  
"Luka."  
  
"-Kovac."  
  
We say and sigh at the same time.  
  
"I dare say your ruthlessness has much to do with those two, huh?"  
  
I nod.  
  
"Tell me you find them as much disturbingly disgusting as me, Susan."  
  
"Nicely put, Robert. Couldn't have found better words to describe how I feel when I see them together myself."  
  
"You're officially my new best buddy then."  
  
I laugh. "You can be so funny when you don't wanna bug people, you know Robert?"  
  
"Make a woman laugh and she'll be yours. Page two. Right after never joke on a woman's hair, dress or menstrual period."  
  
" I am all yours."  
  
"Well, what about dinner to my place? I was gonna ask Lizzie but you're not a bad second choice."  
  
"I don't mind being your makeshift solution, Robert."  
  
"Ah! Gotta love a lady that can pocket up."  
  
I grab his arm and we start walking arm in arm "Shall we go then, Robert?"  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------  
To say that Robert's dinner was delicious is an understatement. He really can cook. Now we're sitting in his cozy studio. He has a beautiful house, a bit too conservative for my tastes but still beautiful. I mean, the fire place, the wooden studio, the old china service in the antique glass display cabinet. A bit too old Europe for me. Bet Elizabeth loves it. We're not talking much, I guess because we're too wrapped up in our own thoughts. Luka and Elizabeth respectively. Robert gets up from his armchair and takes out a liquor from a cabinet.  
  
"Wanna some, Susan? It's a wonderfully aged Porto, from 1989. An excellent year. A patient gave it to me as a gift when I took out a kidney-stone form him once."  
  
"Just a tad, Robert. The best I can expect from my patients is puke, spit or feces, I am afraid."  
  
"Can't get tired of saying I prefer my patients anesthetized."  
  
The Porto is really excellent. I wash the glass down in a moment. Robert pours more for me and himself without asking. Conversation runs freely now. I guess the alcohol has untied our tongues and knocked down our defenses. We end up complaining about our two favorite colleagues, who seem to be in this sort of idyll as of late. The Porto flows freely as well to console us. The bottle is soon empty. Like a magician taking out a bunny from his top hat, Robert scoops out another bottle of Porto.  
  
"Ta da! God bless recurrent calculi! That man, who happened to be in the wine trade, had to be hospitalized other three times for gallstones!"  
  
I laugh. We finish the second bottle quickly. I try to get up but my legs are wobbly. Shit, I drank way too much. No way I'm gonna drive home like this. I'd better call a cab. Robert must have read my mind because he says "I don't think you should drive home, you can sleep, here. I have a spare bedroom upstairs. Here, let me help you." He takes my hand and gets me to my feet.  
  
My legs are definitely too much wobbly sand I feel so lightheaded. The room suddenly starts to spin fast around me and I loose my balance. Robert catches me but our heads collide with a loud thud. We just stand there, trying to absorb the nasty blow, foreheads touching. The next thing I know we're kissing. Devouring each other more like it. Robert tastes like Porto and spices. Quite good actually. We stand on the spot and try to strip off without pulling away. Our clothes fall disorderly on the floor. I don't know how but my bra lands a bit too close to the fireplace and catches fire. Robert puts it out trampling on it and we laugh. I guess we both need to let the steam and the frustration off. We make love a bit forcefully on the quite spacious armchair. Getting laid is wonderful, I was crazy to do without it for so long. I have this gut feeling I am gonna regret this later but for the meantime I just turn off the voice of my conscience and abandon myself to the mounting feelings. As we come together he moans "Lizzie!" but I am not disappointed or hurt. I mean, it's not that I want this to be a declaration of eternal love. This is just body heat, that's what it is. Robert collapses over me and I breathe deeply to get back to my normal respiration. Robert leans off the armchair and grabs a blanket he had conveniently nearby. I fall into a dreamless sleep.  
  
The following morning I have the mother of all hangovers and my head feels like it's about to fall off my neck. Not that I wouldn't mind it, at least this fucking headache would be over. Robert is still sleeping, naked, over me. I carefully sneak free from under him and I pick up my scattered items of clothing. Shit, my favorite bra is ruined. I get dressed quickly and get out of the house, which suddenly seems so oppressive, leaving him there.  
  
I suddenly feel so cheap. Hell, I am a single woman, I have every right to have one night stands. Because that's definitely what I want this to be. A rather enjoyable but unrepeatable experience. I have a bitter taste in my mouth and the uncomfortable sensation I cheated on Luka. Hey, we just shared a kiss and right now he's probably hopping in Elizabeth's bed. What's wrong with my conscience today? The feeling of irreparableness doesn't leave me, though. Damage is down now.  
Upcoming Damage is done now.review if you want it up faster! 


	12. Luka's secret sharer

-Chapter Twelve- Luka's secret sharer  
I try to avoid Romano as much as possible but that's not as easy as one could think since I am Acting Chief of Emergency services and Morgenstern is still sick. Didn't know management involved taking part to so many meetings. He looks at me with a strange expression I can only catalog as guilty. That's so odd. I didn't actually think Romano had a conscience. But after his newfound paternal instinct I can expect anything.  
  
He takes me to the side "Listen, Susan, I think we can stop playing hide and seek. We had a great time together but it was just a one night stand, so let's just forget about it, ok?"  
  
"Sure Robert, okay."  
  
That's good. Problem number one is solved. Problem number two still stands, though: avoiding Luka. After going to bed with Romano I couldn't quite look him in the eye. I know it's so silly because we're not together but I still think like I somewhat cheated on him. My Luka radar starts beeping loudly.  
  
"Susan, I need a second opinion. Would you look at this, please?"  
  
"Sure. Looks definitely like a Marfan syndrome case to me, Luka."  
  
"I thought so. Thanks a lot Susan." He starts walking away then stops and turns around. "Are you okay, Susan?"  
  
"You been acting strangely lately. I'd almost say you've been avoiding me."  
  
"No, it's just that you've been spending an awful lot of time with Elizabeth and I-" I trail off, not knowing what else to say.  
  
"Yeah, I know." He says and winks conspiratorially.  
  
Hurgh! Does he find it funny? I certainly don't. This is really what I'd call adding insult to injury. Luckily the ER keeps me busy enough today not to feel sorry about myself and my pathetic so-called love life or lack thereof. I just go about my business. I page someone from surgery. My patient needs a surgical consult. They send me Elizabeth down.  
  
"Hi, Elizabeth, I suspect Mr. Johnson here has calculi. Gallstones to be more specific."  
  
She examines the man and asks him a few questions. "Looks like you're right, Susan. Mr. Johnson, I'm gonna write you down in the waiting list. Calculi removals are done on prescheduled elective surgeries only."  
  
I bit my lip and finally ask "So, how did your cruise with Luka go?"  
  
"We actually didn't make it. The lake was too agitated because of the bad weather."  
  
I nod.  
  
"He did tell me what he had been trying to tell me lately, though. Took him bloody ages. He's such a reserved and timid man. Very jealous of his private life."  
  
"So?"  
  
"So I am not gonna tell you. It's private."  
  
Guess they don't wanna go public yet. Can't blame them, really, the ER is too much of a gossip buffers' maven. I walk away pensively. The nurses are bound to find out about it soon, though. Nothing escapes their hospital grapevine. I go up to yet another management meeting, wondering how Kerry can put up with this all. As I pass by Romano's office I hear Elizabeth's familiar voice. I stop, unable to fight my curiosity.  
  
"The birds are chirping, the flowers budding and the lovers walking hand in hand in the parks. Don't you just love Chicago in the spring, Robert?"  
  
"I certainly do, Lizzie, but why on earth are you so cheerful today?"  
  
"Nothing, nothing, it's just that a friend of mine confessed to me he's in love and what can I say, I am a sucker for romanticism."  
  
"Is he in love with you?"  
  
"No, with another woman. And she loves him back. She just doesn't know her love is reciprocated yet."  
  
My heart skips a beat.  
  
"Well, I hate to do this to you, Lizzie dear, but I have to remind you that when you are done playing cupid you have a colostomy to perform."  
  
I know who she was talking about. Luka. The problem is I'm not sure about who she is. I just hope it's me. I am so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I don't see a sign reading ' slippery floor' so I slip and knock off a mop and bucket a janitor has carelessly left around. The noise attracts Elizabeth and Robert who look at me puzzled.  
  
I smile embarrassedly "These damn janitors. Always leave their stuff around. I should be more careful, though. So silly of me!" I grin nervously and dash away.  
  
As I do so I can hear Elizabeth whispering worriedly to Robert "You think she heard me?"  
  
I smile broadly as I finally know she was talking about me.  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------  
Still thinking about that conversation I eavesdropped before I make my way back to the ER after another mortally boring meeting of Anspaugh. Luka ambushes me and drags me in the drug lockup.  
  
He nervously clears his throat "Susan, I need to talk toy you."  
  
"I'm all ears."  
  
"Uhm, I like you a lot, I really do, Susan."  
  
I smile from ear to ear, enjoying the moment fully.  
  
"I don't see you gaping in surprise. You saw this coming, didn't you?"  
  
"Yeah, let's just say I might have heard something."  
  
"Elizabeth assured me she is the Fort Knocks of secrets, though."  
  
"Even walls have ears here at County, Luka."  
  
"I don't see you jumping with joy, either, and that's so much worse."  
  
"Teasing you is too much fun!"  
  
"You're devil!" he laughs and starts tickling me mercilessly.  
  
"Stop it, Luka! Oh God, what do I have to do to make you stop?"  
  
"Just kiss me."  
  
I gladly comply.  
  
Chuny walks in on us kissing. We pull away and blush. "Ops. I was just looking for some Compazine. Sorry, guys."  
  
"No. We are sorry."  
  
"What for? That was the best kiss I had in a while."  
  
She walks away with a malicious smile.  
  
"We could as well have put it on the bulletin board."  
  
"I am sorry too, Luka, I love secret love affairs."  
  
"You a Rosmunde Pilcher fan, huh?"  
  
Upcoming Luka's secret sharer.review if you want it up sooner! 


End file.
